Do you ever ponder on the things that we focus on…the UN-important
things…The Starbucks that got your coffee wrong (YES even though it is a
Hundred dollars a cup)…the irate driver cutting you off (yet they may be
rushing to a family member in need or meeting a deadline to impress the boss)…these
small things at times give us the feeling that it is the end of the world…we
lose hope in humanity, ourselves and all around us at times.
I lost my husband to cancer at the age of 33…I NEVER lost HOPE.I continue to know that I have a purpose as
did he while here…we ALL do.Absorb it
all…take chances on someone you never thought you would.Have NO regrets.Love your family NO matter how F***ed at
times they seem or even you to them.Know that NO matter the trenches you have crawled, the bridges you have
burned, the people you have had to let go in your life to grow…YOU will ALWAYS
be you ---- YOU must NEVER lose HOPE in your daily journey ----- OXOXOXOOXOXO
I
have always been humble…showed gratitude to all who partook in my life…before
Mike, During Mike and After…at the ripe ole’ age of 35 had I never expected my adolescent
stupid mistakes carry on into my now…welcome to Humility 101.
Ya’ll
all know me…whether I see you in person often, text every hour, or via-Facebook
(for this is the new norm – and I do not mind…we are all busy) and to allow
minutes, hours out of our day to connect vi-internet to see children grow,
families develop, and all other intimate details we share…here is mine.
I
strive to be SOOOOO positive at all times, for I do not feel like it is your
duty to take on any negative in my life – I like to use FB for Happiness,
Kartwheels and rainbows ;) but in reality…I have daily struggles.Had a great upbringing, took some uncharted paths
and ultimately ended up marrying the love of my life…he was my true wave on
wave.During this Euphoria,I ignored and blocked out all the mishaps of
my early 20’s…DWI, minor traffic violations that I most likely got the notice
and discredited and tossed into the “bill” pile and never looked back…oh my 20’s
---- they seemed so simple and something to never look back at…
As
Ya’ll know – I have dreamed ofa JEEP
since I was in high school…being raised on dirt roads during my Summers and
knowing this vehicle line flowed through my blood…the chance recently came
about to have my very own…little did I know 2001-2007 would hop my happiness
train and welcome themselves aboard and remind me of what I never took care of
and faced. It has been heck ya’ll…applying
for a simple loan to only realize you have NO credit then on top to realize
your past quickly catches up with you in a heartbeat and 3K later…you are back
to “normal”…(whatever that is)
I
suppose my entry is to remind us all…we can run from our past…we can duck and
hide and actually walk for a while…but it will catch up.
In
closing…Be honest with your surroundings, be honest with your loved ones and
FOREMOST, be honest with yourself ---- so worth it in the end.
As
of today…I am a proud Owner of a JEEP ---- Ironically my payments start
10/11/14 --- Mike’s Birthday…Still think he remains to poke himself in my life
--- I always welcome…
My math is SO bad…it would have been 6 years…not 7.I will never forget the day he called me and
asked me to meet him on the Court House steps and make it official --- July 3rd…
I want to continue to thank ALL that have been a part of my
life past, present and all that will be a part of my future.I am a blessed to have been loved by such an
amazing man!
As I write this, I am so
thank(FULL) for all the support and love from Ya’ll for acceptance and
happiness for my NEW journey with “The Mister” --- It is God’s will for the
doors he closes in our lives he TRULY does open up a window and I have been granted
a WIDE open window, an opportunity to love again and be loved – I deserve it…we
ALL deserve it.
Today I honor the vows I
took with Mike…truly lived till death did us part, and today I continue to truck on and
celebrate all the newness that comes my way and all the new memories I continue
to make…memories that leave me with a smile at the end of the day…
There are songs that jog your memory, there are pictures that send
memories rushing in - then there is food…
I am so simple when it comes to food…I am a fan of burnt hot
dogs, mac-n-cheese and if in a rare mood I am not opposed to busting out the
Raman Noodles!I am not much on chain restaurants
--- I will take a local family owned-Taqueria over it all.Mike was the same way and being on the road
all day he was no stranger to the taco trucks, fast food and the coinsurer of
great dives!Running errands at lunch
today on a side of town I had not been in a little while, going down Alabama, I
happen to glance up and notice Joe’s Deli…a hole in the wall tucked in between
a Washateria and a Domino’s pizza…they have the ultimate TUNA sandwiches and
best Egg Salad Sandwiches, which all combos…sandwich, chips and soda you can
grab on any day for less than 4 dollars!!!!
Anyhow, memories came rushing back, for when on days when
Mike was working near my building, he would scoop me up and we would park our
fannies on the little stools looking out the window and just non-stop chatter
about our day and days to come.I have
not been back there since Mike passed and walking in there today, a rush came
flowing over me…a hello and smile from the owner asking how Mike and I were…he
had not seen us in a great while…It took me off guard, it has been two years
and did not realize the time passed since I had been there, Mike too…I smiled
and at a moment that would usually turn me into a complete Alice Cooper
picture, I hated to share the news of Mike, but thanked him for remembering his
customers and their faces --- He sighed and hated to hear the news, gave me hug
and said Mike was someone that completely touched his life.He would come in between jobs and never just
ordered and ran…he asked about family, personal happenings when they were
mentioned and always followed up.He
said Mike was always smiling, never a frown and because of the smallness of the
shop, he would sometimes hear our conversations as Mike would call me while at
lunch --- always laughing and he remembers fondly us always talking fishing and
our dogs.
I admit, I had to hold back tears – I had to hold back completely
breaking down as he placed my sandwich, soda and chips in a little plastic wrap
bag.I walked out, pulled on to Alabama
and just smiled.I thought I would cry, I
thought I would break down…instead I thanked the good Man Above for this
moment.For the time I got to have lunch
and talk about nothing in particular with Mike.I smiled that even though he is no longer here physically, he in deed
touched so many lives and obviously has left a mark on people that only had him
as a customer in their deli on an every other week basis…yet he is remembered
even after 2 years of not visiting.
On this note I want to thank Mike, my Hott Pockett for being
him and nothing else for anyone.Loving
life to the fullest and never missing a chance to get to know someone when time
was allowed.Loving me so hard and
providing me with a fantastic friendship, union ship and while here just being
the sunshine on my face when I woke up (even on a cloudy day) and being the
moonlight and stars in my eyes (even when the city lights masked the starlight)…
I hope from this we can all know that even when we do not
realize our actions can speak volumes…be kind…smile as much as you can…talk
with your eyes, it truly does translate your soul…and make time for the small
things, for those to others are THE BIG THINGS --- XOXOXOX
Wow!Hello Ya’ll – I have become a little sporadic
in my blogging…something I clinged to during Mike and I’s journey…not only to
keep you all in the loop the easiest way I knew, but for my own sanity as well –
I could wrap myself up in words and turn a simple day of anything into
providing every detail to ensure you all knew our every step and felt as if you
were there…during the journey and even as “our” journey ended and “my” journey
started as…Lyndie…not JUST a widow.
2014has already proved to be an inspiring and
happy year -- Work remains amazing, family and friends continue to just prove
themselves and remind me how blessedI
am to have each and every one in my life…whether I see and talk daily, weekly,
monthly or the occasional (Thumbs Up ;) on Facebook – haha! and I have been
blessed with another chance of happiness.
After Mike’s passing, so many different emotions of how I was supposed
to grieve, how long, “to date or not to date?” ---- as I have stated before,
after losing Mike, I surely did not receive a handbook on wrongs or rights in
this new norm.I did not have direction
from anyone that was walking in my shoes with advice as to the “protocol” of
what my next move was to be --- was I to pass GO and collect a new life?Mike was loved by so many – we both were
loved by many – I continue to be loved by many and his memory lives on and
cherished by the same many…
I
took a chance on dating, floundering like a fish out of water for the past year
and half, knowing that it was no longer “Mike and Lyndie”, yet I was out on my
own – I could choose to LIVE or Die --- after losing him, for one hour I
debated not wanting to be here without him…how could I go on?He rescued me when I was drowning, he will
forever be my “Wave on Wave”, yet for me to give up, I would be the ultimate
loser – Mike fought his ass off during his journey with that shit-face “leech”
called Cancer – and in the end – Mike said Adios Asshole --- I have better
things waiting for me --- he now is where we all yearn to be when it is our
time…
Leaving
2013 and only praying that 2014 would offer light, hope and the chance of
change…I was blessed…I met Bradley.I
never asked GOD to provide me with someone with an understanding of where I
have been or where I am going…yet just to when the time arises, place someone
in my life that doesn’t have to understand me, where I have been, where I am
going, yet just love me and like me a little bit sometimes ;) ---- GOD provided.He too is widowed…a commonality that I surely
hate that we share, yet I can only hope that the Good Man Above knew not only
handling this “Firecracker” of a gal, he too can handle my zero to sixty
emotional breakdowns without a head turn or blink of an eye, just as I can his…
It
is a day to day process…we are happy…no “Agenda”…only thing on our schedule is
Happiness, laughs, a lot of Hugs and complete understanding even we do not
understand but just know we “get it”
As
always, I thank Ya’ll ---- since day one May 20, 1979 ---- GOD has been pretty
Rad-ASS in putting people in my life at all the right times and keeping me a
pretty great flow on a daily basis --- XOXOXOXOOX
So I had to share about the RED Heels…the red heels that take a toll on
my toes, but I love them and can’t keep my feet out of them!I learned a lesson on judgment today – and it
left me in smiles…
I was SO avoiding going on my lunch break to get groceries
(I’d rather do in my flops after work, yet I hate hitting the stores after dark
– so just went with it…in my red heels) --- I got stopped before I even could click
the lock button on my door by a man in a hospital protective mask looking to be
escorted by possibly a wife or a friend --- he said as soon as I hopped out
these red heels struck his eye, wondering who on earth can sport those and be
brave enough to be SO bold…which then he relayed drove his eyes to my FCANCR
License Plate.I often see people while
driving taking pics of it, etc – but don’t get stopped to often to ask what it
represents and though I do not mind talking about Mike and sharing his journey,
it caught me off guard in the Wal-Mart parking lot.I proceeded to tell him the story behind it
and he started to cry – I hated that he cried, for that was not my intention –
meeting anyone battling cancer, because Mike is now with the man above – I in
no way want anyone to think they don’t have a chance – He hugged me and said
Mike’s journey did give him hope and he lives every day to the fullest, and if
it had not been for the red heels that struck their attention…he may have never
seen the license plate and never would have known that others understand what
he is going through….hugs ensue and enter Alice Cooper private moment at I take
myself to the Wal-Mart RR to “freshen up”…
Scrolling through the isles, FINALLY to the breaking point
of knowing Girl Scout Cookies and Juice Boxes are not the best items to live
off of, I travel the isles stocking up ---- insert adorable herd of elderly
ladies – a couple in the go-karts and 2 with baskets…as I am scoping out which flavor
of Raman Noodles to grab, I hear “How the heck do you manage in the heels, they
are gorgeous yet so high, how on earth do you manage not to fall?They seem quite high for everyday wear”I chuckled a bit and said, “Oh I have fallen
plenty of time in these heels, even tripped in an elevator and landed in a
patrons “lap area” – but just as in life, you fall and you get back up…hope to
only laugh at yourself and know it happens to everyone” ---- those ladies
chuckled and we chatted for a bit and made our separate ways…
Finally getting all my items, went to the register, checked
out and made my way back to my truck ---- immediately stopped by a lady and
asked for a picture of my shoes – she said she was not brave enough to wear
them ever but had never seen anything so bright and tall – haha – she made a
comment on my license plate as well and shared with me her husband’s battle
with Cancer and that though he has passed, she still lives life and appreciates
all aspects and was so happy she crossed my path.
I suppose, though I wasn’t felt “judged” my shoes did cause
some attention today, yet nothing negative and opened up some great meetings of
strangers --- I am forever thankful today for my 39.99 Shoe Dazzle.com account
and my red heels Jand meeting these people that if I had not
hit the local Wal-Mart – I would have never touched their lives as they did
mine…
In 10 days,I will wake up, put
one foot in front of the other and like any other day, I will progress…yet on
this day, I will remember saying my very last good byes to my Mike, My Best
friend…My Hott Pocket.
Many of you have been along with Mike since day one…some
even involved in the “conceivement” of our meeting – some came across our path
in the middle, but by now you ALL have been with us to our end…and for that I
am forever grateful.Just as any
milestone in our lives, as we approach them, sometimes like a ton of bricks,
you are hit by them and knocked on your ass – the difference of the outcome, is
usually the manor in how you get back up…I was winded over the weekend in
approaching this date, for the first time in a LONG time…but I am UP!
Looking back on it all, I have not once felt sorry for me…I experienced
a pretty Rad-Ass time with him here…we all did, the ones that knew him and even
vicariously the ones that lived through the stories and todays memories – like the
George Strait song “He surely left us ALL with a smile.”2 years at times can feel like a million and
other moments, it feels as if I am just stepping out the doors of MDA, holding
nothing by his wedding band a bag of clothes waiting on the valet to pull the
truck around.The past 2 years I have
been oh so blessed to have Ya’ll, my Young Widows Group, such amazing (spirit
lifting) friendships, the MOST amazing Family, GREAT Job (including Fabulous
CO-workers) who don’t get me, but they do and just smile and love me for me…and
the blessing from the Good Man above to allow my heart to feel again and not be
scared, even when it is literally the scariest of all to cannonball into
something new, completely trusting what you feel doesnot have to accommodate any “standards”, “rules”
and need “approval” from anyone but your heart…in the words of Robert Earl Keen…”It
feels so good feeling good again”…
As the 12th approaches, I am surely in a MUCH
different mindset this year – and I want to use this to simply thank Ya’ll…ALL
for accepting me…loving me and being OK with doing nothing particular to “fix”
me…I surely do not need fixing ;)
I’ve posted this before, many times, and just sometimes
cannot get enough of it…Mike never ceased to smile – he brought joy into my
life and all that knew him and remains in a happy place in my heart and soul –
XOOXOX Hott Pocket!!
