Thursday, August 26, 2010

Forgiven BUT NOT Forgotten

Not only because of what Mike is going through at this moment with his battle of Cancer (which he WILL Beat), but because we ALL I feel at times during our lives we think of those we have hurt, ones that we left a relationship with whether a significant other, a friend or anyone that we have been in contact with -- We carry a burden in our hearts of an unresolved situation that forever keeps us from having internal peace.

I decided tonight to write a letter - no specific person in mind, but to anyone that I have affected in my past, anyone that at one time I left with a feeling of sadness, anger or hurt. Developing a relationship with GOD for myself years ago has allowed me to have complete peace in my life. I have reached out to those I have scorned and though I may never have a relationship with these people again, GOD has inserted peace into my soul and though we may not forget, I have been given forgiveness.

I wish you all the strength to face anything from your past that you today have struggles with, no matter what it be -- one of the best things from GOD has given to US is FORGIVENESS with all we have done, all that we do today and all that we will do in the future...

"In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness - Hebrews 9:22"

"Dear _____________, First and foremost, before you allow all the feelings of hate and anger for Me that you have bottled up inside and have held with you for all these years come rushing back, please just read my email. I have prayed that in some way that GOD would speak to Me, show Me that what I go through is something BIGGER than Me, BIGGER than all of us!

Years ago in my early 20’s I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt a lot of people. I had given my heart to the LORD years before and had been baptized, but as a growing process, I ran with the wrong crowd, I made HUGE mistakes and in that I hurt many people. While hurting them at that moment didn’t hurt me, it did later on in my life when I started a new life and realized the feeling in my soul was not at peace. I lived many years unhappy with myself knowing that I had hurt and used so many people and the thought of leaving these relationships un-mended did not sit right with me, and I felt the need to reach out to you and make peace -- ask for forgiveness.

I knew that I was taking the chance of reaching out to you and receiving no response because I have hurt you so bad. I prayed that you would receive my apologies, knowing that it isn't a selfish outreach. Not only for myself, but for you also I want to have the peace I am yearning for.

I have mended relationships with ones that I hurt, and I tell you it is the best feeling. I have cried, I have laughed and knew at that moment that both of us felt peace. I hadn’t thought for all these years that you might be carrying these feelings of resentment for me in the level that you have. It is good for me to hear how I have hurt you and I will be OK with knowing that I made this mistake, these mistakes and thank GOD for the opportunity to reach you and offer my apologies.

It is not because I am facing a life threatening disease or want reassurance - it is because I want peace for you and myself.
The Power of Prayer is AMAZING! You were a very strong person in the time that I needed love and attention and rather than embrace this, I chose to rebel and work against everyone that was there for Me during these times and I became self-destructive and not only harmed myself but unfortunately harmed everyone in my path…including you.

Please know that I am not reaching out to you and expecting complete forgiveness – I knows that my actions, some forgivable but not forgettable. I just want you to have peace.
I knows that you still hurt and believe me, I am hurt from things people have done in my life, but I have had to forgive and ask for peace and know that we all grow and we change.

I am not making excuses for myself, but I want you as a person that carries this feeling of hurt, to be released from this.
I don’t ask you to respond to this, but just ask that you for once release those feelings of hate, dislike and resentment and allow yourself to be free! I wish you continued success in all your ventures. GOD Bless.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Harleys FROM Heaven

"The LORD is Gracious and righteous; OUR GOD is FULL of
Compassion; The LORD protects the simple-hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me - Psalm 116:5-6"

Hi Everyone!! I wanted to share with you all how GOD worked in our life today!

Mike has not been in touch with a close friend of his...Kent for YEARS! HE received a call the other day, Kent not even knowing what Mike and our family are going through, but felt a need to reach out to him -- GOD wanted him to. He showed up this morning with his friends from a local Bike Circuit and created a prayer circle in our front yard!!

It was amazing - Mike felt it and asked The LORD into his heart -- August 21,2010 9:45 AM, A day we will NEVER forget...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"When YOU go into BATTLE in your OWN land against an ENEMY who is oppressing you, sound a blast on the trumpets! Then YOU, US & ME will be remembered by the LORD your GOD and rescued from your enemies - Numbers 10:9"

It has only been 1 month since Mike was diagnosed with Cancer (By the way, CANCER Sucks!), and what seems as a battle we have been fighting FOREVER it has not been that long, and I know we have a long road ahead of us!

In the past few days, I have had many struggles that I have allowed to overcome me. These all include emotions I have never felt, thoughts that I have never thought and battles that I have never battled. Most of these discouragements come from just being nervous of the unknown. We now know Mike's Diagnosis, but I dont know how he will react to treatment, I have heard most get real sick, others I hear do alright. I know no matter what GOD will be with him through this and the battle will be won, but I want to fast forward and be done and have my husband back and back to normal -- no battles.

I also know at this time, Mike and I both along with our immediate family and close friends are experiencing huge amounts of stress and emotions that they too have not been introduced to. I know myself I am on edge and this is the hardest for me not to just be able to take all that comes at me and "battle it out" I am stubborn this way ( maybe it's the Tauras in me). I want to resolve everything NOW -- I don't want to argue with anyone or have something happen that previously I would want an answer as to why this happened...why is this that way...or feel the need to HAVE TO comment and correct something that is urking me -- I know now I am going to HAVE to choose my battles during this time. These are not battles with just Mike, or Family & Friends BUT these are battles that I fight within ME! How crazy is it to battle myself and it seems choosing which battle to fight within myself is harder than choosing which ones to fight with others! Wow!

At this time I end this tonight with this verse that was sent to me ---> "Resist The Devil, and he WILL Flee From You, US & ME! - James 4:7"

Love you ALL and Thank You for being with us in prayers through this journey -- Prayers continue to work -- Our GOD is SO Good!!


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Turn THAT Frown UPside Down

"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart - Ecclesiastes 7:3"

I had a VERY good and refreshing conversation with my sister-n-law this weekend. Since the day we have found out of Mike's condition and then to the final diagnosis and now into the brain surgery that will occur and into the treatment he will receive until he is treated and is rid of this disease, I have talked to Maggie A LOT -- more are with questions about what the Doctors are saying, her opinion of what they say, scheduling Mike's appointments with MD Anderson and normal family agenda and goings on.

We enjoyed this past weekend knowing the week that lies ahead with Mike's Brain surgery. We enjoyed a relaxing weekend with family. We laughed, we reminisced and heard stories, we lounged and just tried to focus on our relationships with one another and just for a few moments forget about CANCER! It worked and the time we had was great - it was actually more than great, it was AMAZING and I will remember it for my entire life!

As the weekend ended I thought about a lot of things and had some alone time with Maggie -- I asked "Are you scared?" This is honestly something that as close as Maggie and I are, I hadn't really discussed with her in detail. I had never really opened up to her about what I have been feeling throughout all of this, at least not thus far. As we started to talk I just felt the tears come streaming -- I was crying, I was talking about MY Fears with all that is going on, all that is going to occur and what lies head for Mike, I and our Family. It felt so good!

After talking with her, crying and realizing rather than looking tailored with make-up and looking oh so fine ;) I looked clean, I felt clean -- like walking outside and smelling the fresh smell and the new that is brought after a rain storm, I felt fresh -- My make-up had been washed away, my cheeks blushed and moist from the tears I felt clean -- I felt cleansed!

Now don't get me wrong -- I have VERY Strong Faith and know that this will pass, Mike will be Brave and Strong during surgery, He will go into treatment with his head held high and trust in GOD just as I do that he will be treated and once again as he says -- he will be "Strong Like Bull!" As I have stated Many Many times, GOD has worked in my life Before Mike, During my time with Mike and He will continue to work in My/Our Lives moving forward for many years ahead -- and I WILL continue to praise him and Glorify him to ensure EVERYONE knows how Wonderful our GOD is and ALL that he has done and will continue to do -- for Me, for US and for YOU!

It is not hard to maintain the positivity I carry on the outside -- it is quite easy, because I pray for the strength and courage for myself to live each day to make a difference and I strive to maintain a positive heart, a positive mind and in my actions I hope to bring happiness to someone else that may have doubts or fear -- and reassure that you MUST give to GOD and ask for these things -- You will RECEIVE - not ALWAYS in the time line that you want, but as I have said before - GOD has a plan for Us ALL -- what WE (Mike, Myself and Our Family) are embarking on is HIS plan!

After talking to Maggie in length yesterday I know now it is OK to cry and have the feelings I have also. I was afraid that I would disappoint GOD -- I thought "How can I ask for his Grace and his strength to be instilled in me and yet inside I am scared to death at times and confused and question Why this has happened to MY Love, MY BEST Friend and the Man I look up to and call my HERO -- WHY?" I know that GOD does not intend for me to NOT have these fears and questions -- it is natural and at that time Maggie and HE reminded me that because I have fears and questions and doubts, HE asks us to give it ALL to him and TRUST him -- and I can honestly say I DO!

The prayers, messages, phone calls and all else continue to instill the peace that I have come to feel inside me, it instills the strength for me to wake-up everyday and keep a smile on my face and a smile in my heart -- I have the courage and faith that Mike will overcome this and we will look back and never forget these days and the struggles that we endured, but we will Thank GOD for being there EVERY step of the way -- he has NEVER lost faith in me, so GOD I will NEVER lose faith in YOU!

In ending, I AM scared and I am learning to cry and be OK with it! But as I enter everyday as soon as I get that frown...I will quickly turn it UPside Down!!

Smooches till next time AND The PRAYERS continue to work -- keep the coming our way!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Doctor Wears PRADA

It feels as though it's ALREADY been a journey, yet the journey has just begun!

First and foremost, MANY thanks to YOU ALL that continue to pray, send prayers, gather prayer warriors and offer uplifting spirits that along with GOD are keeping Mike at peace and bringing continued peace along this path we head down.

This day seems as if it took forever to get here, but in reality MD Anderson is AMAZING and has worked at light speed to ensure thoroughness and all testing to provide a direct diagnosis for what Mike has in his system. I will do MY best to provide the information that the Dr. and PA provided today and links to lead you to some websites that explain as well.

3 O'clock could have not come any sooner today as I tried hard to keep busy with work, but my mind wandered back and forth to the DR walking in with that cold metal chart board with horrifying results or a "surprise".

Well the time was upon us and I bravely pulled into MD Anderson (alone) and I say bravely because if you know me, you know I don't drive Downtown or The Med Center without breaking out into hives and a brown paper bag in hand for that old fashioned breathing technique -- the entire area and traffic is terrifying! I parked and met Mike, his Dad, Maggie and Kevin in the waiting room for that page..."Mr. Charnock!" The page came and we all walked back into the patient room and waited for The Dr. I do have to give special thanks to Maggie for providing VERY entertaining stories of their childhood to pass time! Very amusing and kept smiles on the face and the fear in the back of mind.

Time passed and what seemed like such a short time, the Dr. and PA walked in -- no scary metal clip board with a bunch of red marks and writing that looked foreign. A tall, very pretty young female Dr. walked in...crisp white long Dr. jacket, a VERY stylish and cute designer dress and sassy green strappy heels - she was so warm, spoke so soft and was very thorough -- IMMEDIATE comfort and peace consumed me. She and her PA went over the complete diagnosis and confirmed all that was dancing around in Mike's body and ensured us with Mike's age and him being in such great health -- treatment will be aggressive and she is confident he is going to beat this! AMEN!

Now onto the diagnosis. Mike is battling Lung Cancer. Now that ALL testing is complete, the Cancer has spread to a few areas in the body - The Lung (only one side), The pelvis and Sternum (which the refer to as Bony Disease), the lymph nodes and the Brain. The Dr. clarified Mike is in Stage IV of Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer -- But STILL VERY treatable! The Brain is the first concern of the Dr. and an appointment with a Neurologist has been scheduled for tomorrow morning to discuss options to remove -- surgery will most likely be involved, BUT we are thankful that the tumor is operable and can be removed. The Dr. is in hopes that the surgery will be scheduled VERY soon (as soon as next week) and he can start his treatment and kick this Cancer in The BUTT!! The Dr. wants to start an aggressive treatment program which she will provide more details at that time - the brain is the main concern at the moment and removing this tumor.

Another battle that is going on within his body is Mike has Emphysema. It is a disease that is irreversible but can be slowed down - and confident that Mike is going to listen to the Dr.s and Us all -- it will surely slow down down down.

Thank YOU ALL beyond belief for The support from Our Family, YOU, YOUR Families, YOUR Friends, YOUR Prayer Warriors you have gathered and MANY MANY more that are lifting Mike up with Positive Spirits -- Take it from ME, It IS Working!! GOD continues to AMAZE me Daily and HIS LOVE for US grows Daily and I take great pleasure in Praising him and Letting EVERYONE know what he HAS Done, IS Doing and WILL Continue to Do for Mike and Our Family!!

I will continue to keep you posted -- XOXOXOX

P.S. I have heard NOTHING But RAVE Reviews about MD Anderson, and YOU ALL are so right! The Hospital and The Teams they have working behind the scenes to Heal Patients with Cancer offers Overwhelming Comfort! Visit their site when you have a chance - it is fun to LEARN!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"We Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends" (and Family)

This is a simple entry...This is one of the MOST challenging times of MY and OUR lives! The very day Mike was diagnosed, I was scared. I cried. I knew in my heart IMMEDIATELY we would get through this...NO MATTER what the diagnosis was, but I had FEAR!

I am tonight thanking our FAMILY and FRIENDS...You all have instilled a calm within us through the waiting process...the unknown of what we were embarking on. YOUR Prayers, YOUR letters of encouragement, YOUR phone calls, YOUR Messages, YOUR Success stories, YOUR Motivation, YOUR Pictures, YOUR Thoughts, YOU, YOU and YOU! All of ya'll have lifted Mike & Myself up!

We of course didn't expect anything less from YOU ALL -- We are TRULEY "Getting By With (ALOT) of Help From OUR Family & Friends!"