The ‘F’ Word – Fear

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot - Eleanor Roosevelt”


FUCK, is how I really want to start off this entry and FUCK is the ONLY ‘F’ word that comes to mind at this moment…FUCK!

I generally have a very optimistic attitude…possibly sickening to some considering the path that I have been put on, the new “norm” I have to tackle and adapt to. Grasping my diploma at 18 and walking amongst my peers with large hopes of what laid ahead. Fast forward to the night I meet the man…the man who would forever change my life. Fast and furious we fell for one another and started our whirl wind romance…a year later he made me his wife. Plans of children, purchasing a home, traveling just spending our lives together…not perfectly, but in love.

Fast forward 5 years and on this day one of November, the only word that is my head at this moment is FUCK. Where the FUCK has this year gone? I'm approaching 9 months I have started this journey as a widow. Most days I handle it with grace, with optimism and hope. I don’t get mad often or shake my fist at GOD and ask “Why me?”, for I know GOD has a plan…it was HIS plan to have Mike go through this journey and to be an inspiration to all he met. It was HIS plan for me to be Mike’s wife and caregiver during this time, to provide the inspiration and love that he knew I could. HIS plan was to have Mike and I learn from each other, grow together and live our vows at as husband and wife…till death do us part, and death was our parting.

I woke up today FURIOUS! I got out of bed, got dressed and headed to work. I turned on some god awful death metal and rolled down the windows and rocked out, pissed off at the world. Pissed that this weekend Mike and I would be headed to the camp. We would start making plans for Thanksgiving festivities. We would hop online and search out the perfect gifts for our families and friends and decide where we are spending the upcoming holidays. Well newsflash Lyndie, you will not be doing that this year or any years to come with Mike…FUCK…he really is gone! It FUCKING sucks. I am 33, Mike was 36…we had our ENTIRE lives ahead of us and now I am a fucking widow! Though I am adjusting, I put on a smile daily and continue to embrace my life and love all who are with me now…I still have much FEAR for what lies ahead.

This entry is short and simple and to the point of EXACTLY what I feel today. It does not mean I will not be back to a happy heart in 5 minutes…it does not mean I will not remain in a funk the rest of the day…FUCK, I really have no clue, nor do I feel I should justify not having a clue.

XO LC


PS -- FUCK Cancer!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY El Toro!

"I Have Found the Paradox that If I Love until it Hurts, Then THERE is NO Hurt, But ONLY MORE Love - Mother Teresa"

Dear Mike,

Birthdays were so special to us!  We celebrated yearly at the cabin we found In New Braunsfels and kept it a tradition with family and friends!  This time last year as we were celebrating, I did not fathom that just months later I would be celebrating your life and battle in front of hundreds, piled in a chapel at U of H taking time out to remember you – bring your memory to life of ALL you have accomplished.  I did not imagine I would not spend this birthday with the love of my life.

I remember the night we met.  I remember the first kiss.  I remember the first “I am in like with you”.  The first “I Love you”.  I remember the last “I love you”. 

You came into my world so silent yet turned it upside down.  You were my rescue.  My hero when you had no idea…me to you when you had no idea.  I sit here tonight, just taking in the love that was given to both of us by all around – it was so apparent…no one could miss.  We were so fortunate!  We were so blessed. Now you are away physically, I remain blessed…the love IS still here, your love is still here.  I see and feel you daily in the most unexpected places yet sometimes in the most expected places – that is how you roll ;)

I know you hear me --- in my silent thoughts, my daily talks to myself and when I scream – thank you!  When I need reassurance you ARE there – thank you!

As I close, I know you always supported me in all I did – writing as well…and I know that this letter will be seen…you were and will remain my inspiration El Toro – a bond un-broken!

I wish you THE BIGGEST CATCH IN HEAVEN, THE BIGGEST HOG AND DEER this season XOXOX!

Sigh No More

“Love; it will not betray you - Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free - Be more like the man you were made to be – Mumford & Sons”

Do you ever just drive…you hear a song…and not sure because I am not so satellite radio savey, I still have the 6 load CD disc player – yes, shall I hang my head to technology?  Re-playing a song over and over for whatever reason is such a treat!  Tonight as I write this, I cannot control the reset on my playlist to keep playing.

As I have stated in many entries, I have not done my best by all people I meet.  I was always told growing up, “you reap what you sow”…always thought that for children and know it speaks of it in the bible, yet I also know GOD forgives us for our sins – ALL our sins! We repent when we know we have wronged.  Even as the saying “Karma is a bitch” as I have used many times also – yes it is, and I will be the first to shout when a family member or friend is done wrong – but how do you use any of those sayings to someone who has not done anything negative in this world, such as a small child -- does it still exist?

Recently a friend of mine got attacked by the enemy.  A partner was lost to cancer.  Of course such a tragic event you could not even imagine anything worse happening to a loving spouse of years and then, when unexpected come home to a ransacked house.  Computers stole, memories gone, pure violation!  At this time one would scream as Tim McGraw did in his famous hit song “Take anything, just don’t take the girl”.  Fast forward, girl has been taken now the personal space. 

It’s hard to comprehend “Why Us?” We make mistakes, we move forward and we do so good to be the best we can. We wake up and our lives are changed forever.  We ask GOD is this all we can go through?? Please do not burden us with anymore.  I wish it was that easy for GOD to work that way…for when he places us in trials upon trials – I never look at is as “Karma”, it is and WILL remain HIS plan.  Hard to believe too many…even for me at times…

I wake up, I pray, I praise you in our dearest time of need and still thank you for where we are at – why me?  I work so hard and thank you for all I have down to the last .25 cents to buy a pack of Raman Noodle…why am I being stolen from?  I praise you for the gas to go to work, yet I blow a radiator cap on the way to work – twice as much money to replace!  For these are not and will remain not us to ask --- it remains HIS plan.

I end this in hoping we know it IS HIS plan --- whether it marriage, work, friendships, circumstances, relationships, etc…it WILL never be US – I have peace knowing this…

OXOXO LC

Life AFTER Cancer - The NEW Norm

 

“I Miss You When Something Really Good Happens, Because You're the One I Want to Share it With - I Miss You When Something is Troubling Me, Because You're the Only One Who Understands Me SO Well - I Miss You When I Laugh and Cry, Because I Know That You're the One Who Makes My Laughter Grow and My Tears Disappear - I Miss You All the Time, But I Miss You the Most When I Lie Awake at Night and Think of All the Wonderful Times We Spent with Each Other for Those Were Some of the Best Memorable Times of My Life - Author Unknown”

It was raining…I hate driving in the rain!  It was an area out of my element, I love where I live and all around me…sometimes scared to venture out of my “loop” and try new things.  It was a drive, something inside pushing me to go – continue to move forward, accept my “new norm”.

It was as I could hear the theme song to ‘Cheers’ playing through my head, you know “The place where EVERYONE knows your name.”  Well in fact, this area, no one knew me nor was my name…I facing it head on.  I logged that I had recently come in contact with a new group to Houston.  A widow/Widowers group that caters to “Our” age --- the “youngsters” in this “club”.  This was the first official meeting for us to introduce and get to know one another, (which only had me circling the area for an additional hour – ha! Dang GPS) to now step out from behind the screen and get to know one another and share our stories…I headed to the door.

Thanks to the day and age we are in of Face book and Internet sharing, I pulled the door open and was welcomed with smiling faces and warm hugs…it was as we had already known each other for a little while, even only by our circumstances that brought us to these four chairs in Tomball, TX.  Immediately we dived into conversation that took us from discussing being in our new role, to hobbies and interests to by the end of the night being introduced to all sides of our personalities with some “Meep, Meeps”, a “Whoop!” and a “Boop with a side shake” by the end of the night – it was a TRUE unforgettable experience that has opened up a door for new found friendships that will last a lifetime…unbreakable bonds.

It’s a role that no-one unless you have walked the shoes as a window/widower, you can’t come close to knowing.  Losing a loved one is one thing and I have lost a few close to me, and each loss whether a parent, sibling or a friend, the feelings of grief remain similar but not exactly the same.  This group allowed us all to come together in a neutral, vulnerable environment to offer a since of compatibility that is like no other…I am thankful!  I walked away at the end of the night with new insight on others that have traveled this path, seeking understanding from others that is not so easily found. 

I found this group ‘The Young and the Widowed’ through an MDA publication.  I hope that anyone who reads this will know there IS life after cancer.  I felt alone, though I had so many family and friends for support, I yearned to find others who may really understand what the journey I have completed with my husband of 5 years and onto my new journey as a widow.  The website is --- http://theyoungandthewidowedhouston.com/ and a small group to date, our goal is to continue to spread the word to all widows/widowers in the Houston area…you are not alone…you do not have to be.

It is a choice that we/some were not prepared for, surely a choice at our young ages that as a happily married couple spending our “Forever” with our partners…we now have our lives ahead of us – a horizon of opportunities that I know in my heart our loved ones would surely want us to move forward in peace and live our lives to the fullest just as they taught us to!

XO LC

Table for One

“She that Outlives a Husband Whom She has Long Loved, Sees Herself Disjoined from the Only Mind that has the Same Hopes, and Fears, and Interest; from the only Companion with Whom She has Shared Much Good and Evil; and with Whom She Could Set Her Mind at Liberty, to Retrace the Past or Anticipate the Future - the Continuity of Being is Lacerated; the Settled Course of Sentiment and Action is Stopped; and Life Stands Suspended and Motionless. -Samuel Johnson”

Before I start – I must just state this quotes stands so true and really illustrates of the new role I have taken on as a widow…

Recently I had an awakening.  I started looking through the pantry and fridge and did some cleaning out – items that had expired or something I didn’t necessarily care for but was a favorite of Mike’s – I actually kept a few of those, for those were at his special request I bought.  My pantry and fridge now seem so empty, it kind of was another moment that allowed the reality to sink in more.  Just until my last trip to the grocery store I had been purchasing like I had done when Mike was here and I was cooking our favorite meals and the never-ending leftovers J  This last trip I finally broke down and came to the realization that I am now a widow…I am single.

I have to admit it was a lot cheaper, but a little bitter-sweet too! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook!  I cook for friends here and there, but the pleasure of cooking for the man you love, who even if the chicken is a little salty, the steaks are a little tough or the eggs are a little runny, always with a smile and pat on the tummy was what I got – sometimes he would just be a snarky man at my worst attempts on a new recipe – it became a joke…we laughed…cooking for him was fun!

It remains strange how the more months that I pass through; it seems at times harder than the day and even month after he departed.  I thought it was supposed to get easier.  October is rounding the corner (I still cannot believe this year has flown by like it has).  I have to mentally prepare myself, for October 11^th we would have celebrated his birthday and then the next day, I will mourn for it will be 8 months he has been gone.  I remain so blessed for the last year that we had – a SPECIAL birthday with special friends, a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday with family and a beautiful road trip and then a special Christmas again with family and dear friends – GOD provided all these events in perfect timing for he knew he needed Mike up above us all – for his “Call of Duty”.

I have been so fortunate to have all of you on this journey with me and very blessed for my 2 girlfriends who have also recently lost their husbands in the past year and have been a HUGE support for me, for each other!  I recently read an MDA cancer wise blog posted by a young man that also in the past year lost his wife to cancer.  I had posted in one of my previous entries that I had visited a widow/widower support group but it didn’t go as I had planned.  It had no one my age, and offering people from all walks losing loved ones to all different circumstances, they were all very bitter, older and not wet behind the ears to this role…I didn’t go back.  I had prayed many times, for I remain thankful for my two girlfriends, I had hoped for a group that was our age…as a friend had posted…not all people in this situation are blue-haired, many; many out there are my age and even younger.  After reading his blog on the MDA website, at the end it stated that he had created a local group in Houston to cater to just this.  A group of mutual ages, similar stories, tales of young/true love.  It was a blessing and I remain thankful.  I have met a few others now that it is like being in the same sorority – we just get it, we get each other!

I remain grateful to awake each day to continue to make a difference.  Do I cry? Yes of course!  Do I get mad? Yes of course! Do I miss him like crazy? EVERY-thing about him!  Recently I had been told that dogs and children can see spirits…they do not understand as if it was us as an adult.  Now being alone, the dogs offer such protection, but I still sometimes fear – blame it on all the Lifetime movies ;)  It is as if GOD knows (well I know he knows) and has allowed Mike to intercede and continue to be my protector.  Duke our middle “wet-nosed” kiddo was what Mike would call a “Mamma’s Boy”, true to an extent, but during Mike’s stay at home, Duke was his snuggle buddy.  Duke and Mike shared a special bond and ONLY for Mike would Duke “Sing”, a special howl just for Daddy.  Also Mike would wrestle with him on the bed and toss around and play.  Well recently this fear set in, and for the past week, Duke as soon as he hits our bedroom, jumps on the bed, start rolling around as if someone is tossing him around like a playful wrestle, then hops on all fours and “sings” – the first time I saw it, I got goose bumps and just watched in amazement – my fear subsided.  For these things, just as the cloud sightings, I remain so blessed that GOD allows these things…HIS plan.

In closing, I know with the hard days, right next to that a great day is given!  As Dolly Parton once said, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain - Dolly Parton” , and that is just what I do…when it rains it sometimes pours, but then I am blessed with such a beautiful rainbow!  I thank you ALL for everything! Friendships, love, support and just a shoulder to cry on when needed and a good laugh at just the right time!  I remain blessed and though I have a new role…a new “name” (still never thought I would be a WIDOW), but rather than allow it to be a bad thing, I will embrace it…I will have a happy heart knowing I was his last love, he made me feel wanted. 

XO LC