Hell On Heels

“She's a Root Tootin' Pistol From the Lonestar State, She's Mixes Up a Double at the Break of Everyday; She Might Get Crazy But She Don't Get Mean; Until Some Drunk Cowboy Asks Her to Sing – Pistol Annies”

Have no idea why going on the end of the 7^th month I’m taking it any harder than any other month or day...Sitting here at the computer, I scan the house…the couch he sat on daily and snuggled with our boys (the wet-nosed kiddos), the Dixie Carhart I refuse to take down from our coat rack (along with his dusty felt Stetson) he wore just months ago our Alabama trip…why today just seems to hit me harder.

I remember nights I would not feel like writing – Mike encouraged me to write.  He pushed me to let all know what was happening, the results, his moods, just all he was feeling…he wanted you all to know…good and bad.

Recently, a friend from the past came back into my life…not planned.  On a trip home from a girls night out, she introduced me to ‘Pistol Annie’s’ --- Now I love me some Miranda Lambert BUT never knew she had a “girl band” before she became all ‘Kerosene’ and married to sexy Blake Hilton.  Wow! Songs hit spot on and this was one!

I will not speak for the other women I feel fit these parts ;) hahaha! But sort of for me, I feel I’m all rolled into one by circumstance…and I don’t care!

I married a man that came into my life…we had an imperfect marriage that set records because TRUE love was involved…he was taken away from me (not suddenly), but taken…I yearned for more. 

In closing ---- I continue to learn the new me…BUT I will never be alone…

A Moment Like This

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other – The Vow”

 

Today embarks on the 7 month mark…this will be a day I remember forever.  I invested in a calendar FINALLY this year.  I am the QUEEN of making plans, making appointments and either over-scheduling myself or just plain ole’ forgetting – true story!  So I have birthdays, outings, deadlines, due dates, etc – one date that I do not have is the 12^th of every month – for this day is etched in my mind – FOREVER!  It’s honestly a day I figured once a year, the 12^th, Feb 12^th, I would look back and remember lying there with Mike as he took his last breath – clock striking ever so quietly at 4:20 AM – the day that literally felt like time stopped – a day I will never forget.

I have shared with people, not all, not because of any particular reason but it is just such a touching moment that it brings tears of joy, tears of fears, at this moment I felt very blessed and fortunate.  It was the night before Mike passed…the doctors had just left the room to inform me of his deteriorating health and that if not hours, it may just be a few days.  Mike had been sleeping all day.  He had not moved, reacted to anyone that was coming in and out of his room.  After the doctor left, I called the nurse into the room to sit with him…even in the state he was in, not knowing what was going on around him; I still refused to cry in front of him.  I excused myself and went down the hallway to call the one person at that moment I knew who could give me comfort…My Grandma Hazel.  I told her of the news and she gave me, most likely one of the best pieces of advice I had ever heard.  I could hear her holding back the tears as she started to speak…”Lyndie-Pooh, one thing I have always known and believe is that when someone seems gone to the world, not responding, I know and have experienced they can hear.  I don’t know how it is done but I believe GOD allows them to hear when we speak in moments like this.  You need to go upstairs and get close to his ear and tell him how you feel…tell him what your heart says.  I love you Granddaughter and GOD is with you.”

HIS Moment --- I raced up the escalator and came bursting through the room doors, thanked the nurse and closed the door behind me.  I crawled in bed with Mike, our heads touching and my hand on his heart.  I leaned into his ear and spoke the last words that I believe he heard – the ones he needed to hear, “Hott Pocket, good gosh you have had a great life!  You have seen so many things that people your age do not get to see or experience.  You have touched so many lives, including mine and to this day know that GOD chose you for a reason for this path, and for me to be your wife and caregiver.  The moment you walked into my life, we were each other’s wave on wave – HIS plan.  You now must know in your heart that I am going to be OK, the boys (“wet-nosed” kiddos) will be fine.  Your family is going to be OK, our friends will be OK – what is important now is that you must rest…it is your turn to be my guardian angel, caregiver oh the Heavens.  You are tired, your body is tired and it is time for you to be with GOD above and all others who have left us too soon – I will always love you just as I know you will always love me.”  At that moment, it was as if GOD opened his ears and he heard every word – for 10 seconds, he lifted his hands, held my face and caressed my cheek…at that moment my heart stood still and peace overcame my entire mind, soul and body…GOD knew what I needed and knew what Mike needed as well – for it remains HIS plan.  The night went on and a few hours, with me holding his hand he took his last breath and entered the pearly gates – 4:20 AM, February 12, 2012 – A Day that I will NEVER forget!

Since that day, I am consumed with such great memories of Mike and I.  I do not cry often, for I continue to know he is healthy and happy, roaming the REAL GREAT Lakes in Heaven Above.  Shooting the bull with all he meets and familiar faces that have also departed.  But on this day every month, I resort back to that day, that moment, the last words I had with him, the last touch I would ever get from him…it is bitter-sweet, for I am upset, happy, mad, confused, heart-broken, joyful, scared and any other emotion one can feel all balled up into one.  It almost crossed my mind to ask “Why Me? Why Him?”, but I remember to tell myself – It is HIS plan, no matter how much I want to take it and break it open and dissect it…it is not for me to do.  What I can do is be thankful to wake up every day and share our journey with others.  I can choose to be positive and blessed in knowing the last moments with Mike were just for him and I…something that cannot be taken away, for it was HIS plan.

I remain ever so grateful for ALL of you as I continue on my road of “The New Norm” – My life will remain filled with “Kart-Wheels and Pain – Sunshine and Rain.”

XO LC

 

 

 

 

 

"If you see me getting smaller, I'm leaving, don't be grieving, just gotta get away from here. If you see me getting smaller, don't worry, and no hurry, I've got the right to disappear - Waylon Jennings"


 

 

 

A River Trip – NEVER to Be Forgotten

“If Children Have the Ability to Ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell - Lance Armstrong”

In a few entries before I have used this quote above – I just love the truth behind it and this weekend I was fortunate enough to meet first hand an inspiration behind this quote.

It really started out like any trip to the Guadalupe – my second time this year to go, and again another trip without Mike.  It was bitter-sweet as many days are when encountered with memories and familiar places we had such good memories, but as always, I was welcomed by good friends, smiling faces and just overwhelming love!  Oh goodness – the trip there was a trip within itself!  My “other half” – my Michelle to my Romey headed out to Up the River Camp for an adventure that would surely be one that as all is unforgettable! 

Like all road trips…”Are we there yet?” came out of our mouths a handful of times, and with the music cranking, random stories and memories shared, the 3 hour trip (thank Goodness we didn’t end up on Gilligan’s Island ;) we were there before you knew – let the fun…eeeerrrr randomness commence!

I have to admit, I have not been “camping” since my early 20’s – the sweaty nights, fans blowing, dirt in EVERY-thing and massive sunburns --- I have to admit, this was quite a treat!  When we arrived, our tents had been set up (full accommodated with window A/C units), air mattresses – it was really inviting!  Minus a few water leaks, wet clothes and lost items through-out the course of the weekend, it was an AMAZING weekend ---- AND no Sunburn!

On to the touching part(s)!  As always, you know I seek daily to find Mike in something I do, and this trip being the one place that Mike and I shared SO many great memories, it didn’t take long before he appeared…El Toro showed up as always. Shay and I saw him in the clouds, the minute he crossed my mind overlooking the river our song came blasting over the radio and the most AMAZING moment of the whole trip came in the form of a precious 6 year old boy.

Our day/night at camp consisted of waking up, the walk of death to the 2^nd River float.  Aye! We were so excited the day before, so eager and rushing to that water to drop in and just relax…it felt like death row the next day! Needless to say, we made it, floated, made it back to camp and ALMOST called it quits.  We opted to stay at camp, play some games and just spend it till the next morning…HIS plan was bigger than us!  We somehow managed to gain a 10^th wind (after failing with lighting and a swarm of River flies we still can’t identify) so we decided to end our night once again at River Camp General Store and belt out some Karaoke and chill the night away!

We arrived…parked our chairs and the night began! Greeted all we have been hanging with, greeting new people and the night went into affect!  A few songs and Jell-O shots in, a family that we had danced with the night before came to stage with a small chair, 2 parents and a little precious 6 year old boy.  We all assumed at this time it was his birthday and we were about to go into a restaurant welcoming of Happy Birthday from the entire camp…boy did the tide change.  Lisa, Little Rickey’s beautiful Mother along with his father Rick Sr. -- As she started to speak, she thanked not her family and friends that joined them, but yet the entire audience for sharing this special moment – Ricky has just finished his LAST chemotherapy and his Leukemia that was lingered…IS GONE!  This was indeed a celebration!  All of sudden the thoughts of singing Happy Birthday seemed a far distance and I felt that this weekend that I almost (almost) chose not to come due to work, fell right into place and ‘El Toro’ was so strong and allowed us to become one with Ricky and celebrate this moment!

I am not sure about anyone else, but I couldn’t hold the tears back – for they were not sad, yet happy to know this young boy has endured what my husband has endured – a man that stood 6’2”, has lived such a diverse and fulfilling life and was able to rest in peace knowing all he had accomplished.  A young boy that at his age, knows the pain he feels, but yet endures what is given to him to make it possible for him to live.  A young boy, who does not see the tears of his loving parents who strive, themselves to compose to be strong for this young boy and keep smiling and positive to ensure his mindset, does not change.  A young boy who was not promised tomorrow, yet celebrates at Camp with us just in the midst of months of my husband passing giving me peace (he is not aware of) to know that my ‘El Toro’ remains with me daily…what a blessing!

In closing, I will FOREVER remember this River trip – what a blessing to so many!  What a GOD-sent to share this with such a diverse group, and not realize amongst the group a common is shared…I am forever in awe of HIS plan --- his timing!

XOXOOX  --- LC

And a Dedication to ALL Fighting and Surviving ------

Six Months Done Gone

“So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around, And I'm lovin this town and I'm doing alright, Aint' worried 'bout nothing cept for the (WO)man I wanna be, I'm thinking maybe it's time to be livin' the rhyme, When I'm singing a song about nothing but right, And it's sure be nice if you would roll with me – Montgomery Gentry (Roll With Me)”

Every month I know this day will approach.  The 12^th, the day that Mike passed…one month, two months and now today it has approached a half year.  DO you know how much we accomplish in a half year? 6 WHOLE months! For me today is a milestone…an entire ½ year Mike has been gone.  As I remain to state, some days it feels like it’s been an eternity but today it feels like just yesterday I was walking out of MDA with his belongings going home to an empty house and no more waking up to the man, the man that turned my life upside down.

For the most part, I remain in good spirits daily, for I know in my heart he is in a better place…a much better place.  The cancer came back so fast and furious, he would not have deserved anymore suffering or coming home to be bed-written and no longer able to spend late nights on the river under the moon-light and sitting in a deer stand swapping stories from our past all while shushing me because a hog was approaching…hog shmog, I liked to talk and he loved it and just giggled at me…set his rifle down, turned on itunes and listened to our favorite songs.  He deserved many more nights at the lake gazing at the stars, midnight fishing, and bonfires with family and friends, not the life that was set ahead for him…GOD intervened just at the right time.

I woke up this morning feeling indifferent.  I allowed myself to go through old pictures, listen to our favorite songs and just allow his memories to come flowing in full force with no protection…I cried, I laughed, I shook my fist at the fact that he is no longer here…it has been a complete day of discovery.

The truth is, yes, I know GOD has a plan for us ALL – and HIS plan for Mike was fulfilled here on earth and now he is fulfilling his plan in Heaven – walking the golden streets.  He is where hunting season never expires and there is no limit to the size or amount of fish you can catch – the afterlife that he deserves.  Swapping stories with all loved ones we have lost and joining hands as they look down upon us all and continue to send us reminders they are with us daily. 

I came across this quote the other day ---- “Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep, I Am Not There, I Do Not Sleep - I Am a Thousands Winds That Blow, I Am The Diamonds Gilt On The Snow - I Am The Sunlight On Ripened Grain, I Am The Gentle Autumn's Rain - Do Not Stand At My Grave And Cry - For I am Not There, I Am In YOU And I Did Not Die…”  It hits home, for I do not have Mike physically here with me, his spirit remains daily in myself and all around me.  I am so thankful for the things I see daily, the people I meet and I know Mike is involved in it all..For this continues to provide comfort and peace…though I still cry.

Every day I am not sure of what my days hold…a day full of smiles or a day I hear a familiar song and I breakdown in rush hour traffic.  A day where my make-up is perfect yet, I run across an old email, text or picture from Mike and I end up looking like Alice Cooper.  The day that I feel that I have SO much peace and know that it wasn’t that Mike and I DIDN’t have ENOUGH time – we had Just The RIGHT amount of time!

In closing, as I sat and reflected today, looked through old pics, watched old videos and listened to old songs…it is just a reminder he IS still here!  He hasn’t gone anywhere.  Just as when he was physically here and we were separated during our work days or extended weekends – he was NOT gone – the love remained in my heart and remains forever, just as his spirit will remain the same.  I am beyond blessed with SUCH an amazing family and friends who do not understand directly what my days consist of and they may never, but on the flip, they just love me…love Mike…love us and it doesn’t change.  Mike and I’s love will forever remain, it will shine, it will be the pure glow on my face that cannot be removed from a lady that has known and experienced TRUE and selfless love – a love that EVERY one should have ATLEAST once in their lives – we ALL deserve it and I pray YOU find it!   Thank You ALL For ‘Rollin With Me’.

XOOX LC

You Never Got To Know

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.  ~Erma Bombeck”

This so reminded me of Mike because I was that one --- “I’m Headed to The Dollar Store” – Getting Toilet Paper – End Up With EVERYTHING but and our house has new decorations…our house remained ecliptic.

I chose to reach out tonight to all for we are approaching 6 months Mike has been gone and different feelings for us all…as the “divorce’” of the family --- you were still all family.

I’m learning my new norm as you can see if you see my blog – maybe, maybe not, but a widow is a role I never intended to play nor have a family taken from my grasp – no matter how volatile the relationship at the time – family is what I became and what we were.

Just an update to all…I and the “wet-nosed” kiddos are good --- it’s a different vibe around the house, and I can’t really tell if they know…but it is different, but we are getting used to it.  I remain volunteering at MDA.  I joined a co-ed softball team that Mike and I yearned to join before he got sick – he asked me to continue if he ever got too sick to pursue – I did.  I’m going back to school (internet based for now) for Mike always pushed me to do – I’, Going to Do it.

You all knew Mike WAY before I ever knew him – You all saw EVERY part of him – you ALL experienced the Good and the Bad – as did I – But I was so fortunate to know him the way I did.  The way no one will – no offense to family and friends – but as a husband / wife – you just have a bond --- yes a bond as crazy as it may look. 

He shared a secret with me once --- and I am ready to share.  Maggie --- GOD he loved you! I know that you are his sister and you “knew” him --- but dang he loved you!  Kevin – You are HIS dad! Peter – Memories are faded in between…but he forgave.  Peter – oh sweet brother – he was so proud of you – he was envious of your relationship with Pete, but he loved you and he was so proud of you!  Peggy – he hated your heart was so unhappy many times, but he knew that little giggle you had and the pugs that made you so happy – made him happy – he always recalled laying in your front yard on that tree while his vacation there – no worries.  Uncle Tim he loved you so much and carried Pete in his Van – Pete brought him good luck!  Unc Kev, Steph, Brian – he always talked about the trip he last had --- the private moments with you Steph! Cherished!  Cissy – SO thankful you were there for his last breath and last dinner – you gave up your lifestyle for him --- he cherished that!  Uncle Bob & Aunt Susan – the time together – Oysters, honesty and just love – thank you!  ALL other Charnock / Dowd family --- Take this – Mike and I spoke often of many of ya’ll!!

I hear that when you lose a loved one – a spouse, especially…it is like a divorce, and to keep touch is not the “norm” from this family --- I almost wish as if Mike and I have divorced, for it would not be this hard to lose such a great family…

I wish you all the best – and I have kept quiet for a while…but I just don’t understand…and I don’t yearn to – just to let you know what exactly Mike felt before he left to Heaven --- He loved you all…

OX LC

If I Die Young...

"We really have gotten to live and love at our young ages. ‘If I Die Young,' for us, is about if it all ends at this moment, look at what we've gotten to do. Whatever time we're given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it - Kim Perry"

Ok so my mind has been completely ALL over the place for a bit – not in a bad way, just ideas coming and going of things I want to do, things I have done and the things that will possibly JUST happen due to this of mine called LIFE.  I feel my mind is spinning and kart-wheeling, so a fair warning, this entry may be super long and you come back to it…or it may be entirely too short because I have forgot what I wanted to say (< ---It has been known to happen).  I feel lately I have the memory of whatever species on this planet has the shortest – yes, thank you – that one!

The excerpt above is from an interview with The Band Perry regarding the meaning behind ‘If I Die Young’…it is one of those songs that I absolutely love, but it has gotten so much play, I catch myself skipping the track or changing the station when it comes on – but now that I know the true meaning, it is beautiful and I have listened to it several times.

What is it in our daily lives that keep us grounded? I don’t mean grounded as in not abiding by our morals or not coming to work in a bikini (well unless your job allows – I’m jealous!)  So what is it?  For me, for so long, though I am a bit nutty, quirky and maybe even THAT girl (you know the weird one ;) I’ll claim it, and believe me for all that know me, I was like this way before Mike ever passed…shoot way before I ever met him…but in all fairness since his passing, I feel sort of thrown back into this huge world – a world that to me is going to SHAT, but I will maintain a happy disposition and will continue to pray for our country, our planet and yes…even our president.

Ok, so back to my point…since his passing, I have tried a lot of new things, met a lot of new people and continue to reconnect with old friends.  Some things that I can seriously take a peak back and say “Really?” but I won’t blame it on the loss of Mike – it is life.  I cannot live in fear of offending someone with my words or actions.  I am honest and just because I do not divulge it ALL, does not mean I lie.  I have been forced to step out of my comfort zone, but learning to adapt and except.  I will make mistakes, I will offend, I will make apologies but not for being me.  I will continue to convince myself I have a GREAT English accent (though I throw it with a “Goo Dai Mate – really I have convinced MANY ;) I will continue to convince myself I am a great dart player and the board to blame for my never depleting score.  I will continue to welcome any beachgoer brave enough to hand our group her prosthetic leg and dive into the ocean and even chase her float down the beach while holding her 40oz beer.  I will NEVER give up my cheater chopsticks and give into the real ones.  I will continue to love unconditionally (even if you hurt me), well who am I kidding, then I’ll just poke you with a fork (oh girl yes I did ;) I will continue to make up my own vocabulary and sing the wrong words to every song, because they sound better (OK, well because I really don’t know them ;) I will continue to spell Cartwheel with a K.  I will continue to pass out my happiness daily just to make someone, ANYone smile and save the tears for behind my closed doors or in the shower (for that is the best place to cry – true story).  I will continue to take silly pictures of myself throwing up a deuce and gladly accept pics form my friends – even to prove a fashion no no! I WILL just continue to be me and again not apologize.

I suppose all this has been on my mind, for my motto is Fear Less, Regret Nothing.  Granted, I am not HAPPY with all things I have done in my 33 (and yes I will continue to age – I wasn’t fond of being 29 forever – bring on the face products and SPF 80 – and did you know they make a 100??? True story)!  I know that as “adults” we must of course change for certain situations – like work, church (unless you go to a tent revival – you can get crazy up in there!) but overall, though we must at times change our demeanor NEVER compromise you for anyone but YOU!  Live life with the blinders off and barefoot (Mentally not in the streets ;)  Love like there is no tomorrow.  Forgive and Forget is a lot easier than I thought – makes for a happy heart! As we strive to do bigger and better, know it is OK to take a breath, look around and it usually is already there. 

In closing, though I am young, I am certain for a few things that I will do daily…brush my teeth, use the restroom, shower, work and eat (that is if I am given another day)…for the rest is up to HIM, and I welcome it all.  I hope we all learn to embrace what we have, who we are – not one of is perfect, for as I said before, GOD didn’t make us perfect…just pretty!

XOXO LC

MY VERY Own 4th of July Firework!

Good Morning Everyone!

I truly hope you had an AMAZING 4th of July -- though it DID fall in the middle of the week ;) I had a great one spendin with Amazing Old and NEW Friends -- Agh the memories! 

Well ALL who know Me You ALL Know How Obsessed I am With BRAVO and ALL The RHW of SOME City/County -- Well Particularly this Season of NY I am Obsessed with a New HW Carole Radziwill (She Like Myself and Many Others) Lost her Husband to Cancer 10 Years Ago - I Recently Downloaded Her Book 'What Remains' and am LOVING It!

I Felt Compelled to Reach Out to Her with My Story and My Blog recently.  I told Her How Much her Journey (in this short time Ive watched and read) has Inspired Me and How My Own Writing has Been My Therapy and I am Inspired to Write a Book...I HAD NO IDEA SHE WOULD RESPOND TO LITTLE OLE' ME - BUT SHE DID! It Was Definately The BEST Ending to My 4th of July and ONE Day After Mike and I's 5 Year Anniversary!!  I wanted to share her response below, for it will stay close to my heart forever!!


"Dear Lyndie,

Thank you for your note. Your blog is fantastic. I love the song. Just downloaded it to my iPod. Keep writing because it will save you.

Once I figured out how to embrace not only Anthony's life and our life together but also his death I was in awe of the experience. I came to learn it was a gift. Love is wonderful, it makes the weekends nicer, but pain teaches you about life. It teaches you how to love bigger and better, to have empathy for others, to look for spirituality in unusual places (like country music) to find the humor in everything. Most people only get to that place when they are older and lose loved ones in the natural progression of life. Thanks for reading and watching this crazy funny show.

Best, Carole"

I adored her before, but now I just cherish her more than ever!  Thank you Carole!!!  Thank you for taking time to connect with a fan -- just little Ole' Me from Houston, TX!

XOOX  LC



http://www.caroleradziwill.com/books/what-remains