"I
Have Found the Paradox that If I Love until it Hurts, Then THERE is NO Hurt,
But ONLY MORE Love - Mother Teresa"
Dear
Mike,
Birthdays
were so special to us!We celebrated
yearly at the cabin we found In New Braunsfels and kept it a tradition with
family and friends!This time last year
as we were celebrating, I did not fathom that just months later I would be
celebrating your life and battle in front of hundreds, piled in a chapel at U
of H taking time out to remember you – bring your memory to life of ALL you
have accomplished.I did not imagine I
would not spend this birthday with the love of my life.
I
remember the night we met.I remember
the first kiss.I remember the first “I
am in like with you”.The first “I Love
you”.I remember the last “I love you”.
You came into my world so
silent yet turned it upside down.You
were my rescue.My hero when you had no
idea…me to you when you had no idea.I
sit here tonight, just taking in the love that was given to both of us by all
around – it was so apparent…no one could miss.We were so fortunate!We were so
blessed. Now you are away physically, I remain blessed…the love IS still here,
your love is still here.I see and feel
you daily in the most unexpected places yet sometimes in the most expected
places – that is how you roll ;)
I know you hear me --- in
my silent thoughts, my daily talks to myself and when I scream – thank
you!When I need reassurance you ARE
there – thank you!
As I close, I know you
always supported me in all I did – writing as well…and I know that this letter
will be seen…you were and will remain my inspiration El Toro – a bond
un-broken!
I wish you THE BIGGEST
CATCH IN HEAVEN, THE BIGGEST HOG AND DEER this season XOXOX!
“Love; it will not betray you - Dismay or enslave
you, it will set you free - Be more like the man you were made to be – Mumford &
Sons”
Do you ever just drive…you
hear a song…and not sure because I am not so satellite radio savey, I still have
the 6 load CD disc player – yes, shall I hang my head to technology?Re-playing a song over and over for whatever
reason is such a treat!Tonight as I
write this, I cannot control the reset on my playlist to keep playing.
As I have stated in many
entries, I have not done my best by all people I meet.I was always told growing up, “you reap what
you sow”…always thought that for children and know it speaks of it in the bible,
yet I also know GOD forgives us for our sins – ALL our sins! We repent when we
know we have wronged.Even as the saying
“Karma is a bitch” as I have used many times also – yes it is, and I will be
the first to shout when a family member or friend is done wrong – but how do
you use any of those sayings to someone who has not done anything negative in
this world, such as a small child -- does it still exist?
Recently a friend of mine
got attacked by the enemy.A partner was
lost to cancer.Of course such a tragic
event you could not even imagine anything worse happening to a loving spouse of
years and then, when unexpected come home to a ransacked house.Computers stole, memories gone, pure
violation!At this time one would scream
as Tim McGraw did in his famous hit song “Take anything, just don’t take the
girl”.Fast forward, girl has been taken
now the personal space.
It’s hard to comprehend “Why
Us?” We make mistakes, we move forward and we do so good to be the best we can.
We wake up and our lives are changed forever.We ask GOD is this all we can go through?? Please do not burden us with
anymore.I wish it was that easy for GOD
to work that way…for when he places us in trials upon trials – I never look at
is as “Karma”, it is and WILL remain HIS plan.Hard to believe too many…even for me at times…
I wake up, I pray, I
praise you in our dearest time of need and still thank you for where we are at –
why me?I work so hard and thank you for
all I have down to the last .25 cents to buy a pack of Raman Noodle…why am I
being stolen from?I praise you for the
gas to go to work, yet I blow a radiator cap on the way to work – twice as much
money to replace!For these are not and
will remain not us to ask --- it remains HIS plan.
I end this in hoping we
know it IS HIS plan --- whether it marriage, work, friendships, circumstances, relationships,
etc…it WILL never be US – I have peace knowing this…
“I Miss You
When Something Really Good Happens, Because You're the One I Want to Share it
With - I Miss You When Something is Troubling Me, Because You're the Only One
Who Understands Me SO Well - I Miss You When I Laugh and Cry, Because I Know
That You're the One Who Makes My Laughter Grow and My Tears Disappear - I Miss
You All the Time, But I Miss You the Most When I Lie Awake at Night and Think
of All the Wonderful Times We Spent with Each Other for Those Were Some of the
Best Memorable Times of My Life - Author Unknown”
It was raining…I hate
driving in the rain!It was an area out
of my element, I love where I live and all around me…sometimes scared to
venture out of my “loop” and try new things.It was a drive, something inside pushing me to go – continue to move
forward, accept my “new norm”.
It was as I could hear the
theme song to ‘Cheers’ playing through my head, you know “The place where
EVERYONE knows your name.”Well in fact,
this area, no one knew me nor was my name…I facing it head on.I logged that I had recently come in contact with
a new group to Houston.A widow/Widowers
group that caters to “Our” age --- the “youngsters” in this “club”.This was the first official meeting for us to
introduce and get to know one another, (which only had me circling the area for
an additional hour – ha! Dang GPS) to now step out from behind the screen and get
to know one another and share our stories…I headed to the door.
Thanks to the day and age
we are in of Face book and Internet sharing, I pulled the door open and was
welcomed with smiling faces and warm hugs…it was as we had already known each
other for a little while, even only by our circumstances that brought us to
these four chairs in Tomball, TX.Immediately
we dived into conversation that took us from discussing being in our new role,
to hobbies and interests to by the end of the night being introduced to all
sides of our personalities with some “Meep, Meeps”, a “Whoop!” and a “Boop with
a side shake” by the end of the night – it was a TRUE unforgettable experience
that has opened up a door for new found friendships that will last a lifetime…unbreakable
bonds.
It’s a role that no-one
unless you have walked the shoes as a window/widower, you can’t come close to
knowing.Losing a loved one is one thing
and I have lost a few close to me, and each loss whether a parent, sibling or a
friend, the feelings of grief remain similar but not exactly the same.This group allowed us all to come together in
a neutral, vulnerable environment to offer a since of compatibility that is like
no other…I am thankful!I walked away at
the end of the night with new insight on others that have traveled this path,
seeking understanding from others that is not so easily found.
I found this group ‘The
Young and the Widowed’ through an MDA publication.I hope that anyone who reads this will know
there IS life after cancer.I felt
alone, though I had so many family and friends for support, I yearned to find others
who may really understand what the journey I have completed with my husband of
5 years and onto my new journey as a widow.The website is --- http://theyoungandthewidowedhouston.com/ and a small
group to date, our goal is to continue to spread the word to all
widows/widowers in the Houston area…you are not alone…you do not have to be.
It is a choice that
we/some were not prepared for, surely a choice at our young ages that as a
happily married couple spending our “Forever” with our partners…we now have our
lives ahead of us – a horizon of opportunities that I know in my heart our
loved ones would surely want us to move forward in peace and live our lives to the
fullest just as they taught us to!
“She that Outlives a Husband
Whom She has Long Loved, Sees Herself Disjoined from the Only Mind that has the
Same Hopes, and Fears, and Interest; from the only Companion with Whom She has
Shared Much Good and Evil; and with Whom She Could Set Her Mind at Liberty, to
Retrace the Past or Anticipate the Future - the Continuity of Being is
Lacerated; the Settled Course of Sentiment and Action is Stopped; and Life
Stands Suspended and Motionless.
-Samuel Johnson”
Before I
start – I must just state this quotes stands so true and really illustrates of
the new role I have taken on as a widow…
Recently I
had an awakening.I started looking through
the pantry and fridge and did some cleaning out – items that had expired or
something I didn’t necessarily care for but was a favorite of Mike’s – I actually
kept a few of those, for those were at his special request I bought.My pantry and fridge now seem so empty, it
kind of was another moment that allowed the reality to sink in more.Just until my last trip to the grocery store
I had been purchasing like I had done when Mike was here and I was cooking our
favorite meals and the never-ending leftovers JThis last trip I finally broke down and came to the realization that I
am now a widow…I am single.
I have to
admit it was a lot cheaper, but a little bitter-sweet too! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to
cook!I cook for friends here and there,
but the pleasure of cooking for the man you love, who even if the chicken is a
little salty, the steaks are a little tough or the eggs are a little runny,
always with a smile and pat on the tummy was what I got – sometimes he would
just be a snarky man at my worst attempts on a new recipe – it became a joke…we
laughed…cooking for him was fun!
It remains
strange how the more months that I pass through; it seems at times harder than
the day and even month after he departed.I thought it was supposed to get easier.October is rounding the corner (I still cannot believe this year has
flown by like it has).I have to
mentally prepare myself, for October 11th we would have celebrated
his birthday and then the next day, I will mourn for it will be 8 months he has
been gone.I remain so blessed for the
last year that we had – a SPECIAL birthday with special friends, a wonderful
Thanksgiving Holiday with family and a beautiful road trip and then a special
Christmas again with family and dear friends – GOD provided all these events in
perfect timing for he knew he needed Mike up above us all – for his “Call of
Duty”.
I have been
so fortunate to have all of you on this journey with me and very blessed for my
2 girlfriends who have also recently lost their husbands in the past year and
have been a HUGE support for me, for each other!I recently read an MDA cancer wise blog
posted by a young man that also in the past year lost his wife to cancer.I had posted in one of my previous entries
that I had visited a widow/widower support group but it didn’t go as I had
planned.It had no one my age, and offering
people from all walks losing loved ones to all different circumstances, they
were all very bitter, older and not wet behind the ears to this role…I didn’t go
back. I had prayed many times, for I
remain thankful for my two girlfriends, I had hoped for a group that was our
age…as a friend had posted…not all people in this situation are blue-haired, many;
many out there are my age and even younger.After reading his blog on the MDA website, at the end it stated that he
had created a local group in Houston to cater to just this.A group of mutual ages, similar stories,
tales of young/true love.It was a
blessing and I remain thankful.I have met
a few others now that it is like being in the same sorority – we just get it,
we get each other!
I remain
grateful to awake each day to continue to make a difference.Do I cry? Yes of course!Do I get mad? Yes of course! Do I miss him
like crazy? EVERY-thing about him!Recently I had been told that dogs and children can see spirits…they do
not understand as if it was us as an adult.Now being alone, the dogs offer such protection, but I still sometimes fear
– blame it on all the Lifetime movies ;)It is as if GOD knows (well I know he knows) and has allowed Mike to intercede
and continue to be my protector.Duke
our middle “wet-nosed” kiddo was what Mike would call a “Mamma’s Boy”, true to
an extent, but during Mike’s stay at home, Duke was his snuggle buddy.Duke and Mike shared a special bond and ONLY
for Mike would Duke “Sing”, a special howl just for Daddy.Also Mike would wrestle with him on the bed and
toss around and play.Well recently this
fear set in, and for the past week, Duke as soon as he hits our bedroom, jumps
on the bed, start rolling around as if someone is tossing him around like a
playful wrestle, then hops on all fours and “sings” – the first time I saw it,
I got goose bumps and just watched in amazement – my fear subsided.For these things, just as the cloud
sightings, I remain so blessed that GOD allows these things…HIS plan.
In closing, I know with the hard days, right next to that a great day
is given!As Dolly Parton once said, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up
with the rain - Dolly Parton” , and that is just what I do…when it
rains it sometimes pours, but then I am blessed with such a beautiful
rainbow!I thank you ALL for everything!
Friendships, love, support and just a shoulder to cry on when needed and a good
laugh at just the right time!I remain
blessed and though I have a new role…a new “name” (still never thought I would
be a WIDOW), but rather than allow it to be a bad thing, I will embrace it…I
will have a happy heart knowing I was his last love, he made me feel wanted.
OK -- Well, here it is! FINALLY! I am sitting down with ALL my
thoughts, blood, sweat and tears and starting my memoir that I have in
my heart to share with everyone! It will not happen overnight, but it
surely will not happen if I do not start! Please Know --- YOU ALL have
been an inspiration for me to move forward with this. I started off a
few years ago, with a simple blog to journal my everyday which quickly
became (literally) my therapy during Mike's journey...I receive emails
and messages to move forward with sharing this, turning it into a
book...so to speak, and in my heart it remains that this is what I want
to do. I can only hope that somewhere, someone will (when it is
complete) will read this and feel inspired to not only endure a journey
that involves cancer, but to endure and hold their head high during ALL
adversities in life and dig deep for a faith of any kind (mine being
GOD) but dig deep to allow that faith and happiness to outshine the
negativity in their way.
I have spoken to a few publishers (from recommendations - thank you!)
and I have been advised to start after reading my blog -- so here I
go. I love you all -- Family, Friends and strangers (that are now
friends) that have joined me, US on this path -- we are forever
GREAT(FULL) -- XOXOXOXO
Please be advised, I have never ever written with a way that I have
to proof-read or second guess what I write - I speak from the heart and
that is what you read in my blog -- writing a book, I am not sure if it
is the same...I am sure there will be A lot of proof-reading, but dang
it KART-WHEEL will remain with a K! SO here you are -- my "first
chapter" -- I will leave it at this, and hope that you want to see
more...
Love you ALL!!! OXOXOXO Lyndie
Why’d You Come in Here Looking Like That
Chapter One
It was a weekend like the rest. I was twenty-seven, living
the single life up and just returning from my very first ever Las Vegas
trip. Vegas really is just what I expected. No sleep, a lot of pretty
people, a lot of old money, a lot of new money and hookers…I felt like
Randy in ‘National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation, without his luck. I was
proposed to once in Vegas, by a local bum that wanted to share his 40 oz
Old English, I kindly declined but did buy him a new beer.
At the time I had a roommate, a younger one, a male. We sort
of had this deal; we were each other’s wing man/woman. We would have
weekend BBQ’s, our friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of
friends and maybe even a cousin in there would join us. It was SO
convenient, for we lived on the corner building away from everyone and
right next to the convenient store! Music was loud, drinks were
accessible and we even became friends with the store owners, it was a
bachelor/bachelorette paradise.
As I pride myself on being a “hostess with the mostess” I
just loved having gatherings – no matter what the occasion! Heck I
believe my roommate and I made up holidays just to have people over, a
reason to make great food and drink cheap drinks! This weekend as many
others, a dear friend of mine called me and asked if he could bring a
friend, my response “The more the merrier!” With that said, I had no
idea what I was about to get into.
The music was loud, the conversations were flowing and
amongst all the people shuffling around, it was as if the music had
stopped. I took a sip of my crown and diet and turned to my left. At
that moment the door swung open with my dear friend seeking me out, beer
in tow and something unexpected, a VERY handsome (easy on the eyes)
man…was this to be lust at first sight? Six-foot Two, tan, hat
backwards and an electric smile, at this moment I put in my head “he
will be mine!” and I wasn’t too far off!
I rushed to the door to welcome my him with open arms,
knowing already I was not going to make too much eye-contact with “The
new guy”, for haven’t we all learned it’s better to play hard to get? I
wrapped my arms around (Joe) and proceeded to welcome him, and politely
allowed him to introduce me to Mike. Agh Mike, what else is there to
say about him? You know the ole’ saying “Tall, dark and handsome”, this
fit him to a tee!
Throughout the night, I managed to meander my way next to
him, not too overbearing, just an occasional touch of the arm and a
laugh if he said something funny. As confident and as outgoing as I am,
I knew the minute he walked through my door, he was destined to be with
me…even if just a make-out buddy for the night, but yet my shyness
overcame me.
The night seemed to linger and with drinks a flowing, music
blaring, we migrated to the patio with some other friends to “escape”
and I got to know a little more about this man named Mike. Growing up
in the a similar environment with a blue-collar family, started working
at a young age, out on his own as well as a teen, he became more
intriguing to me by each beat to the music playing --- I wanted to know
more…I did not want the night to end.
As I looked down I noticed my Red SOLO cup was empty – agh,
the horrific site when I was just starting to get a good buzz. I
announced to the small patio group that my cup was empty and I would be
more than happy to “buy the next round”, oh the humor I can offer to a
group – ha! I noticed a few others had joined us on the patio, which
some included some very pretty females. At that moment, it was as if I
had become a dog marking his territory and I did what could have only
come from the slight buzz that was lingering…I asked the boy to kiss
me.
I looked this stranger that I had only met a couple of hours
ago straight in the eye with the most serious face ever, “Are you going
to kiss me? Can I kiss you?” Not a second later our lips met, for what
seemed like 10 minutes, but realizing the urgency of others asking for
drinks around us, it was only a split second. I quickly pulled away,
looked at him with a snarky smile and skipped off as I do with just a
slight glance back as I went through the door…he was smiling. This
became the night that changed the course of my life, his life forever.
