Monday, July 23, 2012

You Never Got To Know

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.  ~Erma Bombeck”

This so reminded me of Mike because I was that one --- “I’m Headed to The Dollar Store” – Getting Toilet Paper – End Up With EVERYTHING but and our house has new decorations…our house remained ecliptic.

I chose to reach out tonight to all for we are approaching 6 months Mike has been gone and different feelings for us all…as the “divorce’” of the family --- you were still all family.

I’m learning my new norm as you can see if you see my blog – maybe, maybe not, but a widow is a role I never intended to play nor have a family taken from my grasp – no matter how volatile the relationship at the time – family is what I became and what we were.

Just an update to all…I and the “wet-nosed” kiddos are good --- it’s a different vibe around the house, and I can’t really tell if they know…but it is different, but we are getting used to it.  I remain volunteering at MDA.  I joined a co-ed softball team that Mike and I yearned to join before he got sick – he asked me to continue if he ever got too sick to pursue – I did.  I’m going back to school (internet based for now) for Mike always pushed me to do – I’, Going to Do it.

You all knew Mike WAY before I ever knew him – You all saw EVERY part of him – you ALL experienced the Good and the Bad – as did I – But I was so fortunate to know him the way I did.  The way no one will – no offense to family and friends – but as a husband / wife – you just have a bond --- yes a bond as crazy as it may look. 

He shared a secret with me once --- and I am ready to share.  Maggie --- GOD he loved you! I know that you are his sister and you “knew” him --- but dang he loved you!  Kevin – You are HIS dad! Peter – Memories are faded in between…but he forgave.  Peter – oh sweet brother – he was so proud of you – he was envious of your relationship with Pete, but he loved you and he was so proud of you!  Peggy – he hated your heart was so unhappy many times, but he knew that little giggle you had and the pugs that made you so happy – made him happy – he always recalled laying in your front yard on that tree while his vacation there – no worries.  Uncle Tim he loved you so much and carried Pete in his Van – Pete brought him good luck!  Unc Kev, Steph, Brian – he always talked about the trip he last had --- the private moments with you Steph! Cherished!  Cissy – SO thankful you were there for his last breath and last dinner – you gave up your lifestyle for him --- he cherished that!  Uncle Bob & Aunt Susan – the time together – Oysters, honesty and just love – thank you!  ALL other Charnock / Dowd family --- Take this – Mike and I spoke often of many of ya’ll!!

I hear that when you lose a loved one – a spouse, especially…it is like a divorce, and to keep touch is not the “norm” from this family --- I almost wish as if Mike and I have divorced, for it would not be this hard to lose such a great family…

I wish you all the best – and I have kept quiet for a while…but I just don’t understand…and I don’t yearn to – just to let you know what exactly Mike felt before he left to Heaven --- He loved you all…


Friday, July 20, 2012

If I Die Young...

"We really have gotten to live and love at our young ages. ‘If I Die Young,' for us, is about if it all ends at this moment, look at what we've gotten to do. Whatever time we're given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it - Kim Perry"

Ok so my mind has been completely ALL over the place for a bit – not in a bad way, just ideas coming and going of things I want to do, things I have done and the things that will possibly JUST happen due to this of mine called LIFE.  I feel my mind is spinning and kart-wheeling, so a fair warning, this entry may be super long and you come back to it…or it may be entirely too short because I have forgot what I wanted to say (< ---It has been known to happen).  I feel lately I have the memory of whatever species on this planet has the shortest – yes, thank you – that one!

The excerpt above is from an interview with The Band Perry regarding the meaning behind ‘If I Die Young’…it is one of those songs that I absolutely love, but it has gotten so much play, I catch myself skipping the track or changing the station when it comes on – but now that I know the true meaning, it is beautiful and I have listened to it several times.

What is it in our daily lives that keep us grounded? I don’t mean grounded as in not abiding by our morals or not coming to work in a bikini (well unless your job allows – I’m jealous!)  So what is it?  For me, for so long, though I am a bit nutty, quirky and maybe even THAT girl (you know the weird one ;) I’ll claim it, and believe me for all that know me, I was like this way before Mike ever passed…shoot way before I ever met him…but in all fairness since his passing, I feel sort of thrown back into this huge world – a world that to me is going to SHAT, but I will maintain a happy disposition and will continue to pray for our country, our planet and yes…even our president.

Ok, so back to my point…since his passing, I have tried a lot of new things, met a lot of new people and continue to reconnect with old friends.  Some things that I can seriously take a peak back and say “Really?” but I won’t blame it on the loss of Mike – it is life.  I cannot live in fear of offending someone with my words or actions.  I am honest and just because I do not divulge it ALL, does not mean I lie.  I have been forced to step out of my comfort zone, but learning to adapt and except.  I will make mistakes, I will offend, I will make apologies but not for being me.  I will continue to convince myself I have a GREAT English accent (though I throw it with a “Goo Dai Mate – really I have convinced MANY ;) I will continue to convince myself I am a great dart player and the board to blame for my never depleting score.  I will continue to welcome any beachgoer brave enough to hand our group her prosthetic leg and dive into the ocean and even chase her float down the beach while holding her 40oz beer.  I will NEVER give up my cheater chopsticks and give into the real ones.  I will continue to love unconditionally (even if you hurt me), well who am I kidding, then I’ll just poke you with a fork (oh girl yes I did ;) I will continue to make up my own vocabulary and sing the wrong words to every song, because they sound better (OK, well because I really don’t know them ;) I will continue to spell Cartwheel with a K.  I will continue to pass out my happiness daily just to make someone, ANYone smile and save the tears for behind my closed doors or in the shower (for that is the best place to cry – true story).  I will continue to take silly pictures of myself throwing up a deuce and gladly accept pics form my friends – even to prove a fashion no no! I WILL just continue to be me and again not apologize.

I suppose all this has been on my mind, for my motto is Fear Less, Regret Nothing.  Granted, I am not HAPPY with all things I have done in my 33 (and yes I will continue to age – I wasn’t fond of being 29 forever – bring on the face products and SPF 80 – and did you know they make a 100??? True story)!  I know that as “adults” we must of course change for certain situations – like work, church (unless you go to a tent revival – you can get crazy up in there!) but overall, though we must at times change our demeanor NEVER compromise you for anyone but YOU!  Live life with the blinders off and barefoot (Mentally not in the streets ;)  Love like there is no tomorrow.  Forgive and Forget is a lot easier than I thought – makes for a happy heart! As we strive to do bigger and better, know it is OK to take a breath, look around and it usually is already there. 

In closing, though I am young, I am certain for a few things that I will do daily…brush my teeth, use the restroom, shower, work and eat (that is if I am given another day)…for the rest is up to HIM, and I welcome it all.  I hope we all learn to embrace what we have, who we are – not one of is perfect, for as I said before, GOD didn’t make us perfect…just pretty!


Thursday, July 5, 2012

MY VERY Own 4th of July Firework!

Good Morning Everyone!

I truly hope you had an AMAZING 4th of July -- though it DID fall in the middle of the week ;) I had a great one spendin with Amazing Old and NEW Friends -- Agh the memories! 

Well ALL who know Me You ALL Know How Obsessed I am With BRAVO and ALL The RHW of SOME City/County -- Well Particularly this Season of NY I am Obsessed with a New HW Carole Radziwill (She Like Myself and Many Others) Lost her Husband to Cancer 10 Years Ago - I Recently Downloaded Her Book 'What Remains' and am LOVING It!

I Felt Compelled to Reach Out to Her with My Story and My Blog recently.  I told Her How Much her Journey (in this short time Ive watched and read) has Inspired Me and How My Own Writing has Been My Therapy and I am Inspired to Write a Book...I HAD NO IDEA SHE WOULD RESPOND TO LITTLE OLE' ME - BUT SHE DID! It Was Definately The BEST Ending to My 4th of July and ONE Day After Mike and I's 5 Year Anniversary!!  I wanted to share her response below, for it will stay close to my heart forever!!

"Dear Lyndie,

Thank you for your note. Your blog is fantastic. I love the song. Just downloaded it to my iPod. Keep writing because it will save you.

Once I figured out how to embrace not only Anthony's life and our life together but also his death I was in awe of the experience. I came to learn it was a gift. Love is wonderful, it makes the weekends nicer, but pain teaches you about life. It teaches you how to love bigger and better, to have empathy for others, to look for spirituality in unusual places (like country music) to find the humor in everything. Most people only get to that place when they are older and lose loved ones in the natural progression of life. Thanks for reading and watching this crazy funny show.

Best, Carole"

I adored her before, but now I just cherish her more than ever!  Thank you Carole!!!  Thank you for taking time to connect with a fan -- just little Ole' Me from Houston, TX!