Sunday, August 12, 2012

Six Months Done Gone

“So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around, And I'm lovin this town and I'm doing alright, Aint' worried 'bout nothing cept for the (WO)man I wanna be, I'm thinking maybe it's time to be livin' the rhyme, When I'm singing a song about nothing but right, And it's sure be nice if you would roll with me – Montgomery Gentry (Roll With Me)”

Every month I know this day will approach.  The 12th, the day that Mike passed…one month, two months and now today it has approached a half year.  DO you know how much we accomplish in a half year? 6 WHOLE months! For me today is a milestone…an entire ½ year Mike has been gone.  As I remain to state, some days it feels like it’s been an eternity but today it feels like just yesterday I was walking out of MDA with his belongings going home to an empty house and no more waking up to the man, the man that turned my life upside down.

For the most part, I remain in good spirits daily, for I know in my heart he is in a better place…a much better place.  The cancer came back so fast and furious, he would not have deserved anymore suffering or coming home to be bed-written and no longer able to spend late nights on the river under the moon-light and sitting in a deer stand swapping stories from our past all while shushing me because a hog was approaching…hog shmog, I liked to talk and he loved it and just giggled at me…set his rifle down, turned on itunes and listened to our favorite songs.  He deserved many more nights at the lake gazing at the stars, midnight fishing, and bonfires with family and friends, not the life that was set ahead for him…GOD intervened just at the right time.

I woke up this morning feeling indifferent.  I allowed myself to go through old pictures, listen to our favorite songs and just allow his memories to come flowing in full force with no protection…I cried, I laughed, I shook my fist at the fact that he is no longer here…it has been a complete day of discovery.

The truth is, yes, I know GOD has a plan for us ALL – and HIS plan for Mike was fulfilled here on earth and now he is fulfilling his plan in Heaven – walking the golden streets.  He is where hunting season never expires and there is no limit to the size or amount of fish you can catch – the afterlife that he deserves.  Swapping stories with all loved ones we have lost and joining hands as they look down upon us all and continue to send us reminders they are with us daily. 

I came across this quote the other day ---- Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep, I Am Not There, I Do Not Sleep - I Am a Thousands Winds That Blow, I Am The Diamonds Gilt On The Snow - I Am The Sunlight On Ripened Grain, I Am The Gentle Autumn's Rain - Do Not Stand At My Grave And Cry - For I am Not There, I Am In YOU And I Did Not Die…”  It hits home, for I do not have Mike physically here with me, his spirit remains daily in myself and all around me.  I am so thankful for the things I see daily, the people I meet and I know Mike is involved in it all..For this continues to provide comfort and peace…though I still cry.

Every day I am not sure of what my days hold…a day full of smiles or a day I hear a familiar song and I breakdown in rush hour traffic.  A day where my make-up is perfect yet, I run across an old email, text or picture from Mike and I end up looking like Alice Cooper.  The day that I feel that I have SO much peace and know that it wasn’t that Mike and I DIDN’t have ENOUGH time – we had Just The RIGHT amount of time!

In closing, as I sat and reflected today, looked through old pics, watched old videos and listened to old songs…it is just a reminder he IS still here!  He hasn’t gone anywhere.  Just as when he was physically here and we were separated during our work days or extended weekends – he was NOT gone – the love remained in my heart and remains forever, just as his spirit will remain the same.  I am beyond blessed with SUCH an amazing family and friends who do not understand directly what my days consist of and they may never, but on the flip, they just love me…love Mike…love us and it doesn’t change.  Mike and I’s love will forever remain, it will shine, it will be the pure glow on my face that cannot be removed from a lady that has known and experienced TRUE and selfless love – a love that EVERY one should have ATLEAST once in their lives – we ALL deserve it and I pray YOU find it!   Thank You ALL For ‘Rollin With Me’.