“She that Outlives a Husband
Whom She has Long Loved, Sees Herself Disjoined from the Only Mind that has the
Same Hopes, and Fears, and Interest; from the only Companion with Whom She has
Shared Much Good and Evil; and with Whom She Could Set Her Mind at Liberty, to
Retrace the Past or Anticipate the Future - the Continuity of Being is
Lacerated; the Settled Course of Sentiment and Action is Stopped; and Life
Stands Suspended and Motionless.
-Samuel Johnson”
Before I
start – I must just state this quotes stands so true and really illustrates of
the new role I have taken on as a widow…
Recently I
had an awakening. I started looking through
the pantry and fridge and did some cleaning out – items that had expired or
something I didn’t necessarily care for but was a favorite of Mike’s – I actually
kept a few of those, for those were at his special request I bought. My pantry and fridge now seem so empty, it
kind of was another moment that allowed the reality to sink in more. Just until my last trip to the grocery store
I had been purchasing like I had done when Mike was here and I was cooking our
favorite meals and the never-ending leftovers J
This last trip I finally broke down and came to the realization that I
am now a widow…I am single.
I have to
admit it was a lot cheaper, but a little bitter-sweet too! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to
cook! I cook for friends here and there,
but the pleasure of cooking for the man you love, who even if the chicken is a
little salty, the steaks are a little tough or the eggs are a little runny,
always with a smile and pat on the tummy was what I got – sometimes he would
just be a snarky man at my worst attempts on a new recipe – it became a joke…we
laughed…cooking for him was fun!
It remains
strange how the more months that I pass through; it seems at times harder than
the day and even month after he departed.
I thought it was supposed to get easier.
October is rounding the corner (I still cannot believe this year has
flown by like it has). I have to
mentally prepare myself, for October 11th we would have celebrated
his birthday and then the next day, I will mourn for it will be 8 months he has
been gone. I remain so blessed for the
last year that we had – a SPECIAL birthday with special friends, a wonderful
Thanksgiving Holiday with family and a beautiful road trip and then a special
Christmas again with family and dear friends – GOD provided all these events in
perfect timing for he knew he needed Mike up above us all – for his “Call of
Duty”.
I have been
so fortunate to have all of you on this journey with me and very blessed for my
2 girlfriends who have also recently lost their husbands in the past year and
have been a HUGE support for me, for each other! I recently read an MDA cancer wise blog
posted by a young man that also in the past year lost his wife to cancer. I had posted in one of my previous entries
that I had visited a widow/widower support group but it didn’t go as I had
planned. It had no one my age, and offering
people from all walks losing loved ones to all different circumstances, they
were all very bitter, older and not wet behind the ears to this role…I didn’t go
back. I had prayed many times, for I
remain thankful for my two girlfriends, I had hoped for a group that was our
age…as a friend had posted…not all people in this situation are blue-haired, many;
many out there are my age and even younger.
After reading his blog on the MDA website, at the end it stated that he
had created a local group in Houston to cater to just this. A group of mutual ages, similar stories,
tales of young/true love. It was a
blessing and I remain thankful. I have met
a few others now that it is like being in the same sorority – we just get it,
we get each other!
I remain
grateful to awake each day to continue to make a difference. Do I cry? Yes of course! Do I get mad? Yes of course! Do I miss him
like crazy? EVERY-thing about him!
Recently I had been told that dogs and children can see spirits…they do
not understand as if it was us as an adult.
Now being alone, the dogs offer such protection, but I still sometimes fear
– blame it on all the Lifetime movies ;)
It is as if GOD knows (well I know he knows) and has allowed Mike to intercede
and continue to be my protector. Duke
our middle “wet-nosed” kiddo was what Mike would call a “Mamma’s Boy”, true to
an extent, but during Mike’s stay at home, Duke was his snuggle buddy. Duke and Mike shared a special bond and ONLY
for Mike would Duke “Sing”, a special howl just for Daddy. Also Mike would wrestle with him on the bed and
toss around and play. Well recently this
fear set in, and for the past week, Duke as soon as he hits our bedroom, jumps
on the bed, start rolling around as if someone is tossing him around like a
playful wrestle, then hops on all fours and “sings” – the first time I saw it,
I got goose bumps and just watched in amazement – my fear subsided. For these things, just as the cloud
sightings, I remain so blessed that GOD allows these things…HIS plan.
In closing, I know with the hard days, right next to that a great day
is given! As Dolly Parton once said, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up
with the rain - Dolly Parton” , and that is just what I do…when it
rains it sometimes pours, but then I am blessed with such a beautiful
rainbow! I thank you ALL for everything!
Friendships, love, support and just a shoulder to cry on when needed and a good
laugh at just the right time! I remain
blessed and though I have a new role…a new “name” (still never thought I would
be a WIDOW), but rather than allow it to be a bad thing, I will embrace it…I
will have a happy heart knowing I was his last love, he made me feel wanted.
XO LC
1 comment:
Love you, my sweet daughter.
Post a Comment