Face On - Face Off

“God has given you one face, and you make yourself another - William Shakespeare”

I got to thinking about how true this quote is.  When GOD had each of us in mind, he did never intend for us to be the same.  He did not build an assembly line, pack us with all the same parts and ship put us on a show room floor.  You notice when you get a car, for instance, until I met Mike I never noticed Dodge Rams…never paid mind.  But since we have had ours, I notice them all over the place, even white 4-door ones just like ours with the nurf bars, black tool box and chrome detail.  Cars, clothes, and many others items were MEANT to be duplicated…not US, not YOU!

I have mentioned a few times on this new journey into my “new norm”, I am finding myself all over again.  I didn’t change much with Mike, but we became a unit, we became one!  We bounced off each other and just meshed…we were a whole.  Now that it’s just me, just little ole’ me settling into this new life (yet my old life), I am discovering new things, sort of a new identity.  When I was with Mike, I was still the same kooky Lyndie – full of “Lyndie-isms” and daily randomness that sometimes people look at me and think…bless her heart, only her!  And IT is TRUE! I have the MOST random things happen to me, I say the most random things, I do random things, and you know what…it is A-OK! 

After Mike passed, though I had family and friends that knew me very well, I was nervous that I was supposed to be someone different.  I was not given a choice to wake up one day and for Mike to have cancer and within 2 years he would be entering the pearly gates…we were to grow old together…he was my person! Now with him gone, I am was not sure what I am supposed to feel like.  Should I feel guilty continuing to be the happy-go-lucky Lyndie that sees the good in all and wakes up with a happy heart daily, despite the new norm I am living?  Is it wrong to have peace for all that has happened, for the husband that is no longer at my side to offer me that corner glance from the eye when I knew as soon as it came from my mouth…it had just come out all wrong…laughter would burst out!  Am I supposed to be wearing black, staying at home with my dogs and laser cat eating a huge thing of ice cream sobbing over the Notebook or Steele Magnolias?  Absolutely NOT! 

Mike and I only talked of death a few times, I refused to dwell on it, for as soon as we talked of it, I broke out into anxiety, he would settle into a depression and it just made for an uneasy, damp household.  We were both aware of what was to possibly be, but as I have mentioned before we chose to live life not the other way around.  He once told me that if something did happen (not even to do with cancer) that he would want me to continue to live my life.  Meet new people, do new things but most of all NEVER be un-true to me – Never trade the face in that GOD has given me.

That conversation stays with me daily, for Mike and I were truly in love, we were best friends! Your mind plays tricks on you sometimes, and it’s almost like I expect a phone call from him, or a text…but I know this will not happen.  I remain at peace that Mike is in the best place…as for me, “I get by with a little help from my (family) and friends” and above all else GOD!  I emailed a new friend the other night that is going through something similar now, and reassured her that “We must thank GOD he chose us for this journey...it is not for us to understand but he chooses the ones he knows can endure, learn and touch others!”  I know in my heart that I must remain true to myself, no matter how crazy I may seem, no matter how many bad decisions I make, no matter how much I put myself out there only to be humiliated or hurt…for the face that GOD gave me will never be traded – it is ALL mine!

I feel in this world today, we get caught up in the goings on around us and forget where we truly came from.  I don’t speak of the homes we grew up in or how we were raised, or even a lifestyle we used to live…I think sometimes, we lose sight in trying to please others; we lose sense of who we are.  We are one minute Face on the Next Minute Face Off.  Be true to yourself, and though we aim to please our family and our friends, GOD did not make us to be the EXACT same…how Vanilla would our world be!  Do not be afraid to go out there and make mistakes…for how will you ever learn?  Do not be so consumed of what others think of you and your actions…for GOD knows your heart – your family and friends know your heart and will love you the same.  We are not always going to be happy with the decisions each of us make for ourselves or loved ones around us, but it is not up to US to change them nor is it necessary for them to change themselves.  As I told a friend the other day – “GOD didn’t make us perfect, just pretty”! And I can guarantee I am blessed with some VERY pretty people in my life – inside and out. 

In closing, one of my favorite songs, Papa Roach ‘Scars’, though it is a little different direction of this entry, one verse that always stands out and reminds me to “keep it real” and truly never forget where I came from ---- > “And My Scars Remind Me That The Past IS Real”  I have many scars, and they do remind me that my past is indeed real and that every day I learn as I move forward…it does not mean I trade my Face for anyone -- It is up to me to better ME…not anyone else.

XO LC