Accountability – Plain and Simple

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible - Stanislaw Lec”


I toiled with the name of this blog for a couple of hours and it really just came down to it…accountability. For all that know me, I have poured my heart out in this blog and you have read of my many ups and downs throughout my life – and for all that I have been through and the decisions I have made, the mean things I have said of others, just anything I have done, I have been held accountable not just by others, but by myself.

I have many times said how I have much forgiveness in my heart for certain people and in fact I do for many. I know in my heart that as GOD has forgiven me for ALL my transgressions and for me to have complete peace and to continue to be forgiven, I must forgive others…right now I am truly having trouble with this. I am hurt right now, very hurt and disappointed in some around me.

Mike was diagnosed a little over a year ago and today is celebrating a birthday that was not promised to him and a birthday we were fearful that he would not see. When Mike was diagnosed, this was to be a time of family and friends to come together and rise above ALL adversity and in the beginning it seemed that way, it seemed GOD was putting just the right people in our lives and at the same time taking the right ones out. As we went through a roller coaster of emotions, ups and downs with this disease, I will be the first to admit my husband was NOT the best person to get along with. His once already short temper personality became a site and not someone that you would enjoy being around – mainly due to the amount of meds and steroids he was on because of chemo and surgery. But I will tell you this, my husband ALWAYS stood accountable for the things he said and did in the earliest days and even the most recent…you know what I am speaking of.

I feel that my trouble today lies with the fact that though we have stood accountable for all we have done, even me, I am surely not innocent in this. I have been hurt and in the midst of that I reached out to others and said some things that I surely cannot take back and have spoken ill of some particular persons, but in return I have STILL stood accountable, even apologized to these persons and admitted.

I feel I am having trouble forgiving, because to this day, though we ALL know the he said / she said, still it seems some of us are NOT accountable for the hateful, mean and even ridiculous accusations of others. It seems that some rather sit in glass houses and throw stones unaware of the consequences of the glass breaking and someone really getting hurt. I feel that I am having trouble with this because for all that has been said between everyone; it does not seem that it has EVER been resolved between the actual parties that were involved. Everyone is begging for forgiveness and for resolution, yet we have continued to reach out and nothing. WE have been accountable for EVERY thing since day one, yet years of hurtful words, accusations and just plain mean has just seemed to be swept under the rug and given the excuse “oh that’s just him/her and how they deal with that”. Well no more, you must one day be accountable. As I write this, I all of a sudden feel much forgiveness in MY heart for you, though I won’t forget, I do forgive you. Man that feels good!

In closing, as I stated before, rather than go on pointing the finger and placing blame upon all others…take a moment, maybe when you are alone, to really dig deep, find that accountability that will set you free. It lies within all of us when we do wrong. Things may never be the same, for I feel GOD has purpose in this chaotic turmoil of sorts and know that as some of us are being torn apart, others are growing stronger and closer than ever before. It is a shame that during this time, rather than set aside all and celebrate with us on Mike’s miraculous recovery, it is the decision to stay away. For this I do not understand, but I do forgive. I can’t say that I will easily forget, for I am only human, but as GOD would want me to, I do forgive.

XO Lyndie