You Never Got To Know

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.  ~Erma Bombeck”

This so reminded me of Mike because I was that one --- “I’m Headed to The Dollar Store” – Getting Toilet Paper – End Up With EVERYTHING but and our house has new decorations…our house remained ecliptic.

I chose to reach out tonight to all for we are approaching 6 months Mike has been gone and different feelings for us all…as the “divorce’” of the family --- you were still all family.

I’m learning my new norm as you can see if you see my blog – maybe, maybe not, but a widow is a role I never intended to play nor have a family taken from my grasp – no matter how volatile the relationship at the time – family is what I became and what we were.

Just an update to all…I and the “wet-nosed” kiddos are good --- it’s a different vibe around the house, and I can’t really tell if they know…but it is different, but we are getting used to it.  I remain volunteering at MDA.  I joined a co-ed softball team that Mike and I yearned to join before he got sick – he asked me to continue if he ever got too sick to pursue – I did.  I’m going back to school (internet based for now) for Mike always pushed me to do – I’, Going to Do it.

You all knew Mike WAY before I ever knew him – You all saw EVERY part of him – you ALL experienced the Good and the Bad – as did I – But I was so fortunate to know him the way I did.  The way no one will – no offense to family and friends – but as a husband / wife – you just have a bond --- yes a bond as crazy as it may look. 

He shared a secret with me once --- and I am ready to share.  Maggie --- GOD he loved you! I know that you are his sister and you “knew” him --- but dang he loved you!  Kevin – You are HIS dad! Peter – Memories are faded in between…but he forgave.  Peter – oh sweet brother – he was so proud of you – he was envious of your relationship with Pete, but he loved you and he was so proud of you!  Peggy – he hated your heart was so unhappy many times, but he knew that little giggle you had and the pugs that made you so happy – made him happy – he always recalled laying in your front yard on that tree while his vacation there – no worries.  Uncle Tim he loved you so much and carried Pete in his Van – Pete brought him good luck!  Unc Kev, Steph, Brian – he always talked about the trip he last had --- the private moments with you Steph! Cherished!  Cissy – SO thankful you were there for his last breath and last dinner – you gave up your lifestyle for him --- he cherished that!  Uncle Bob & Aunt Susan – the time together – Oysters, honesty and just love – thank you!  ALL other Charnock / Dowd family --- Take this – Mike and I spoke often of many of ya’ll!!

I hear that when you lose a loved one – a spouse, especially…it is like a divorce, and to keep touch is not the “norm” from this family --- I almost wish as if Mike and I have divorced, for it would not be this hard to lose such a great family…

I wish you all the best – and I have kept quiet for a while…but I just don’t understand…and I don’t yearn to – just to let you know what exactly Mike felt before he left to Heaven --- He loved you all…

OX LC