Lady in RED...

 

 

 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment  - Rita Mae Brown”

So I had to share about the RED Heels…the red heels that take a toll on my toes, but I love them and can’t keep my feet out of them!  I learned a lesson on judgment today – and it left me in smiles…

I was SO avoiding going on my lunch break to get groceries (I’d rather do in my flops after work, yet I hate hitting the stores after dark – so just went with it…in my red heels) --- I got stopped before I even could click the lock button on my door by a man in a hospital protective mask looking to be escorted by possibly a wife or a friend --- he said as soon as I hopped out these red heels struck his eye, wondering who on earth can sport those and be brave enough to be SO bold…which then he relayed drove his eyes to my FCANCR License Plate.  I often see people while driving taking pics of it, etc – but don’t get stopped to often to ask what it represents and though I do not mind talking about Mike and sharing his journey, it caught me off guard in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I proceeded to tell him the story behind it and he started to cry – I hated that he cried, for that was not my intention – meeting anyone battling cancer, because Mike is now with the man above – I in no way want anyone to think they don’t have a chance – He hugged me and said Mike’s journey did give him hope and he lives every day to the fullest, and if it had not been for the red heels that struck their attention…he may have never seen the license plate and never would have known that others understand what he is going through….hugs ensue and enter Alice Cooper private moment at I take myself to the Wal-Mart RR to “freshen up”…

Scrolling through the isles, FINALLY to the breaking point of knowing Girl Scout Cookies and Juice Boxes are not the best items to live off of, I travel the isles stocking up ---- insert adorable herd of elderly ladies – a couple in the go-karts and 2 with baskets…as I am scoping out which flavor of Raman Noodles to grab, I hear “How the heck do you manage in the heels, they are gorgeous yet so high, how on earth do you manage not to fall?  They seem quite high for everyday wear”  I chuckled a bit and said, “Oh I have fallen plenty of time in these heels, even tripped in an elevator and landed in a patrons “lap area” – but just as in life, you fall and you get back up…hope to only laugh at yourself and know it happens to everyone” ---- those ladies chuckled and we chatted for a bit and made our separate ways…

Finally getting all my items, went to the register, checked out and made my way back to my truck ---- immediately stopped by a lady and asked for a picture of my shoes – she said she was not brave enough to wear them ever but had never seen anything so bright and tall – haha – she made a comment on my license plate as well and shared with me her husband’s battle with Cancer and that though he has passed, she still lives life and appreciates all aspects and was so happy she crossed my path.

I suppose, though I wasn’t felt “judged” my shoes did cause some attention today, yet nothing negative and opened up some great meetings of strangers --- I am forever thankful today for my 39.99 Shoe Dazzle.com account and my red heels J  and meeting these people that if I had not hit the local Wal-Mart – I would have never touched their lives as they did mine…

2 Years...Still OK with Learning to Walk Again

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight - Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with NO thought of any reward --- Your life will never be the same again - Og Mandino”

 

In 10 days,  I will wake up, put one foot in front of the other and like any other day, I will progress…yet on this day, I will remember saying my very last good byes to my Mike, My Best friend…My Hott Pocket.

 Many of you have been along with Mike since day one…some even involved in the “conceivement” of our meeting – some came across our path in the middle, but by now you ALL have been with us to our end…and for that I am forever grateful.  Just as any milestone in our lives, as we approach them, sometimes like a ton of bricks, you are hit by them and knocked on your ass – the difference of the outcome, is usually the manor in how you get back up…I was winded over the weekend in approaching this date, for the first time in a LONG time…but I am UP! 

Looking back on it all, I have not once felt sorry for me…I experienced a pretty Rad-Ass time with him here…we all did, the ones that knew him and even vicariously the ones that lived through the stories and todays memories – like the George Strait song “He surely left us ALL with a smile.”  2 years at times can feel like a million and other moments, it feels as if I am just stepping out the doors of MDA, holding nothing by his wedding band a bag of clothes waiting on the valet to pull the truck around.  The past 2 years I have been oh so blessed to have Ya’ll, my Young Widows Group, such amazing (spirit lifting) friendships, the MOST amazing Family, GREAT Job (including Fabulous CO-workers) who don’t get me, but they do and just smile and love me for me…and the blessing from the Good Man above to allow my heart to feel again and not be scared, even when it is literally the scariest of all to cannonball into something new, completely trusting what you feel does  not have to accommodate any “standards”, “rules” and need “approval” from anyone but your heart…in the words of Robert Earl Keen…”It feels so good feeling good again”…

As the 12^th approaches, I am surely in a MUCH different mindset this year – and I want to use this to simply thank Ya’ll…ALL for accepting me…loving me and being OK with doing nothing particular to “fix” me…I surely do not need fixing ;)

I’ve posted this before, many times, and just sometimes cannot get enough of it…Mike never ceased to smile – he brought joy into my life and all that knew him and remains in a happy place in my heart and soul – XOOXOX Hott Pocket!!

XO LC

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMu65jH1hhw&feature=youtu.be

 

These Shoes Were Made to KEEP on Walking...

 

There are those days where something just speaks to your heart…today I came across this that was posted by a friend and wanted to share…

Though the sentiments below reflect the journey of a widow…we all have those uncomfortable shoes that we wear throughout our lives, that we “adjust” to and “get used” to and make bearable – we conform…for at times we have no choice but to make them fit, for we cannot afford not to…

“I am wearing a pair of shoes....They are ugly shoes, Uncomfortable shoes…I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step…Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.  They are looks of sympathy.  I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs….They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.  To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.  But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.  I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.  There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.  Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.  Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt…No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.  These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.  They have made me who I am…I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her husband…my best friend – Author Unknown”

 

XO LC

 

 

 

 

Letting the Grudges Go of 2012...

 

 

 

“Your success and happiness lies in YOU - Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties – Helen Keller”

It’s been a while…Hi!

 

Wow…2014, starting off good…suprisngly good!  I spent my 2012 in a funky fog, in denial of what had just happened…2013 was better, but spent many days hating 2012…I in 2014 opting to hold NO grudges to the previous years, they not only provided such wonderful life lessons, amazing people re-entering my life, some exits, new job and strength instilled to face this new normal and the ability to keep Mike’s memory alive in various ways and continue to uncover how many lives he touched before Cancer, during Cancer and after…he has left a mark.

 

When Mike passed, my world completely stopped, but I knew I must continue to live, for Mike would have it no other way.  Mike meant different things to all of us…but the one thing, no matter the relationship, he was a friend to us all.  I cannot even believe this time almost 2 years ago, so much hope for his recovery, yet, 2 days from today and a month he would greet all our loved ones at the pearly gates, look back with no regret, for he had an amazing and Rad-ASS life, but only look back with that huge grin, a simple nod of the head and a Billy Idol (White Wedding) fist pump and embrace on his new journey as the most wonderful, strongest and huge-hearted guardian angel we can only pray to have on our side.  With that said…Mike, you remain in my heart along with many others for eternity…

 

With that said, I have come to realize it is true…”Sometimes Forever is in a second – White Rabbit”.  I have a whole new year in front of me.  I was scared once…scared for what a “new normal” consisted of…it’s not too too different from my normal before, or the normal before that…we are forever evolving…even when Mike was here we encountered new normals…I like to blame the new normal on being thrown into widowism but the truth is everyday is a new norm…we never know what it will consist of, even if you have a routine – as they say on Big Brother…”expect the unexpected”.  I never expected to be “starting over” at the age of 33 and now 2 years have passed and I will be 35, still and always a “widow” but that is not my “hashtag”…”oh look there goes Lyndie #widow, #sad, #depressed, #poorgirl)…haha and in all honesty I do not even know what # means, I always just thought of it as the pound sign I push after a prompt when attemping to get a hold of customer service…Unfortunatly it will be forever on my “Life Resume”, but not a label…I am simply Lyndie, #plain and simple J

 

2013 ended well…I was so fortunate to re-connect with friends from childhood…all so diverse, yet something about being this age, losing a husband…it truly is the small things that count – the things you once stressed over and worried about seem so insignificant – you learn to cherish the nights on the patio with green ham and bad cheese BUT good wine, laughing it up with great friends that the main common denominator is happiness in life.  It’s the nights you are out with “the locals” and for a minute as the music is playing, bad jokes are being told, you stop to look around and as for a moment all is paused and you realize life is good – you are surrounded by people who love you and the world is right.  It’s the nights home alone and embracing the snuggles from the wet-nosed kiddos and slipping into you jammie pants for a marathon of your favorite series or diving into your favorite book, knowing you have nothing outside of your home door to worry about…and be OK with peace at mind.  It’s the late night bon-fires, telling stories of the past and dreaming of the future and just thanking GOD for the opportunity to continue one.  It’s the simple text from a friend, right in an unexptected moment, but yet it was the JUST RIGHT moement.  It’s realizing Unicorns DO exist, because one just tooted unexpectidly in front of a room full of people because you laughed so hard, yet the laughter masked the smell and the fact that…hey…Unicorns DON’T exist (Blame it on the dog).  The many cab rides with friends, only praying for it to turn to ‘Cash Cab’ NOT ‘Taxi Cab Confessions’.  I could go on and on with all that has happened, but I know some of these memories, many of you were involved…you are able to pick up from there J

 

2013 also held to be a VERY spiritual and heart-lifting year.  What can I say, Austin is a magical city! I was fortunate to attend Mumford and Sons in the ATX with some amazing people and oh wow, was Austin a different experience than when I was in my 20’s – it was so much more rich and vibrant offering so much love and eclectic energy…I didn’t want to leave.  I attended the ACL festival as well months later with the same group and that was a complete moving experience as well – met so many different people, allllllmost made it to The Capitol, and the road trip convos remain priceless!  It was a a complete year of just opening myself more than 2012 and living good, loving hard and just accepting being OK. 

 

I have no idea what 2014 has in store for me…I had no idea what 1997  had in store for me when I walked across the stage and grabbed a diploma.  I had no idea what 2005 had in store for me when I dropped everything and moved to FL just to do it.  I had no idea what 2007 had in store for me when a good looking, 6’2 Hott Pocket crossed my threshhold with a huge grin.  I had no idea what 2008 had in store when I married that Hott Pocket and we began our journey.  Still clueless in 2010 when we got the news this Good looking Southern Boy had Cancer.  Had no clue how to start again in 2012 when I had to say goodbye to that man.  Entering 2014, I still have know idea…do any of us?  The ONLY plan I have is to not plan, yet live, enjoy and know first hand that your life can TRULY change in a second and your fOeVER becomes over. 

 

In closing…we are human, we are petty, we worry, we stress…when you find yourself in those moments…try to capture a good memory, something that puts you in a “happy place”, somewhere were when you close your eyes, open and exhale, the issue at hand is not a mountain you cannot climb, but a mountain you can move.

Happy New Year Ya’ll!!!

 

OXOXOX LC

 

MY Very OWN Firework!

 

 

Tomorrow (July 3) Mike and I would have simply celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. I loved that he was a simple man. Rather than getting dolled up and hitting the town dressed to the nines…we threw on some swim trunks/swim suits an...d flops, loaded the dogs up and hit the best fishing hole and enjoyed naps on the boat.

I’ll never forget the night of the proposal, the moonlight, the song and the compassion in his words. I will never forget the phone call asking me to meet him on the courthouse steps because a big wedding is not what we wanted --- Him, I and the JP is all we needed. That day, we took our vows, he swung me around as we left and walked down the courthouse steps – simple.

Mike had a zest for life that many can only hope for…even in the midst of adversity. I was so fortunate along with all who knew him, to know the soul within him…NEVER in my life did I expect to wake up to my Best Friend EVERY morning, and the next grabbing for him in the middle of the night and only finding the empty side of the bed.

With ALL this said, have NO sympathy for me…ONLY smiles! I experienced the MOST Amazing, Genuine Love I ever have! A love that we ALL deserve in our lifetime…at least ONCE. A Love that EVEN at your WEAKEST Moment, You feel You can take on the world! A Love that just with a simple glance across a crowded room you both WERE the only ones there and time did stop!

As this date approaches, just as ALL special dates…birthdays, the FIRST kiss, the FIRST I LOVE YOU, the FIRST picture being hung in our home, the FIRST night in our home surrounded by boxes, the FIRST Holiday…each FIRST I will cherish just as I Cherish Our LAST…Our LAST Kiss, Our LAST Holiday, Our LAST I LOVE YOU…

I remain SO extremely blessed to have had ALL of this, so for this Anniversary, I can only raise my glass to Mike --- a man that Showed me SO much, Loved me SO hard and Left me with a Smile!!!


“Experts on romance say for a HAPPY marriage there has to be MORE than a passionate love, For a LASTING union, they INSIST, there MUST be a genuine LIKING for each other - Which, in my book, is a good definition for FRIENDSHIP - Marilyn Monroe”See More

 

XO LC

OUR JOURNEY - A Story of Love, Friendship and LIFE

I know MANY of you have been on this journey with Mike and I since day one and know our story inside and out.  You were able to witness true love right before you and know that we shared it with all we came in contact with.  I have had many new people come into my life since Mike’s passing and have asked, and though I have shared, I wanted to share again…it’s been a little over a year now, and not a day goes by that I do not miss the mess out of that man.  Here is our story…

2007 Mike unexpectedly walked into my life. I was going on 6 year off and on of being single and “dating”. I had gotten married straight out of HS to a “sweetheart” and quickly realized at 19 I was truly just young and in love and by 21 I was needing to be out of the relationship, for it was headed nowhere fast…and as the saying goes in Dazed and Confused – “I got older and my husband stayed the same age”…well mentally. I had an apartment that I shared with a roommate and every weekend during the summers, we BBQ’d and did the pool thing. At the time one of my best friends called (he worked with Mike) and asked If he could bring him along…he needed to get him out of the house…sure! I always feel more the merrier! I had seen some of the guys my friend worked with so I was only imagining a greasy, overweight middle-aged locksmith…low and behold, in walks my 6’2” Hott Pocket and my life changed forever. We locked eyes and immediately like a dog to his territory I made my way to his side and allowed the flirting to commence…and by the next morning we had stayed up all night talking and spent the entire weekend together and never left each other’s sides. A month later we were living together and the following year he made me his wife.

Fast forward 2 years later, 2010 we were like any young married couple…planning our lives, setting goals and looking to buy our first home…until we got the phone call. Mike for about a month had a swollen lymph node that was not shrinking, but with him in his industry, he was always getting scraped, cut and bruised and the man was an avid outdoors man from hunting to fishing and just liked to get dirty (I SO miss that) – so we really did not associate it with anything other than his body was fighting off some sore he got. Well he went in for his yearly physical and brought it to the attention of his PCM and he sent him to do some scans…the day our world felt it stopped, we were so not prepared…I had never felt SO uncomfortable in a Drs office and to top it off our PCM is a long-time family friend of Mike’s and getting the news from him was bitter-sweet, it offered compassion yet still fucking sucked. Days went by and thank goodness for his promptness we were at MDA the next week starting our “journey”. 

Mike was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer at the age of 34 – he was given less than 6 months to live if chemo did not work. On top of this the cancer had spread to his brain and they had to remove a tumor before even moving forward with treatment – GOD the days dragged. The operation was successful and fast and he started radiation shortly after and then on to the “fun stuff”. He had an amazing team of doctors and with his strong immune system and good health, he did exceptionally well with treatment and by the end of 2010 and into 2011 he was not in remission at all but there were no signs of cancer (able to be seen by all scans) we were SO happy and we endured the most fabulous last year of our marriage! We took trips, we loved harder than ever and just did not take anything for granted!

Towards the end of the year, mid-December I noticed a slight change in Mike, he was getting a little more tired than usual and seemed to not be doing as well as he had the past year. We went back to the Doctors for his scans and they found cancer – it had come back with a vengeance…spleen, pelvic bones, leg and the spinal fluid…I was in shock – how the fuck does this happen…why??? We both just sat there and looked at each other and cried…and hugged and just prayed. At that moment, Mike looked at me and promised not to give up and he didn’t, he remained my El Toro! We flew through the holidays and straight into 2012…all was well until about mid-January.

I got a call from Mike while I was at work and it sounded like he was having a stroke…he was slurring and not making sense…I had never rushed home as fast as I did, all while calling 911 with ER at my door when I arrived…he was fine when I arrived but we still took him to the ER…from that day on until he passed ER visits were quite normal…I never wanted to take any chances, he was my husband and best friend, I wanted the best care for him…he went into the hospital for the last time about 5 days before he passed. My husband took his last breath at 4:20AM on 02/12/12. 

I have much closure for this. Hours before he passed, I had remembered my grandmother telling me that even when our loved ones are “not here” mentally with us, they can hear even when we do not think they can. He had not moved for over 24 hours, spoke to anyone and just slept. I crawled in bed with him and whispered in his ear and told him it was ok to go…to completely be at rest. I would be ok, the dogs, family and friends would all be ok. I reminded him of what an amazing fight he fought and that Cancer did NOT defeat him…GOD just needed some additional help up above and it was his time to watch over me. I dozed off and about 30 minutes later I woke up to his breathing getting worse and I looked up and as the clock his 4:20AM, he took his last breath.

Though this year has been a complete roller-coaster of emotions, I would not change it for the world.  Mike taught me to love the hardest I can love, he allowed me to enjoy the hardest love that I have ever felt.  He offered unconditional friendship that was nothing short of just damn amazing! The last year, I continue to know Mike is with me and he remains with us all…he would have it no other way.  I am thank(full) for all of you that have endured this year with me. For family and friends that have no idea and know it is completely OK to not.  For the friends that I have met along the way, one that are traveling this “new norm” with me with complete understanding how “not normal” it really is but we just “get it”.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not aware of just how truly blessed we are, we were and I am.

As you can see from this video Mike loved me, he loved family and friends and most of all he loved life! He is missed and I am so thankful for the time that we spent together and for him choosing me as his wife, his friend and his last love…

Thank you for allowing me to share everyone! XOOXOX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMu65jH1hhw&feature=youtu.be

LC

The ‘F’ Word – Fear

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot - Eleanor Roosevelt”


FUCK, is how I really want to start off this entry and FUCK is the ONLY ‘F’ word that comes to mind at this moment…FUCK!

I generally have a very optimistic attitude…possibly sickening to some considering the path that I have been put on, the new “norm” I have to tackle and adapt to. Grasping my diploma at 18 and walking amongst my peers with large hopes of what laid ahead. Fast forward to the night I meet the man…the man who would forever change my life. Fast and furious we fell for one another and started our whirl wind romance…a year later he made me his wife. Plans of children, purchasing a home, traveling just spending our lives together…not perfectly, but in love.

Fast forward 5 years and on this day one of November, the only word that is my head at this moment is FUCK. Where the FUCK has this year gone? I'm approaching 9 months I have started this journey as a widow. Most days I handle it with grace, with optimism and hope. I don’t get mad often or shake my fist at GOD and ask “Why me?”, for I know GOD has a plan…it was HIS plan to have Mike go through this journey and to be an inspiration to all he met. It was HIS plan for me to be Mike’s wife and caregiver during this time, to provide the inspiration and love that he knew I could. HIS plan was to have Mike and I learn from each other, grow together and live our vows at as husband and wife…till death do us part, and death was our parting.

I woke up today FURIOUS! I got out of bed, got dressed and headed to work. I turned on some god awful death metal and rolled down the windows and rocked out, pissed off at the world. Pissed that this weekend Mike and I would be headed to the camp. We would start making plans for Thanksgiving festivities. We would hop online and search out the perfect gifts for our families and friends and decide where we are spending the upcoming holidays. Well newsflash Lyndie, you will not be doing that this year or any years to come with Mike…FUCK…he really is gone! It FUCKING sucks. I am 33, Mike was 36…we had our ENTIRE lives ahead of us and now I am a fucking widow! Though I am adjusting, I put on a smile daily and continue to embrace my life and love all who are with me now…I still have much FEAR for what lies ahead.

This entry is short and simple and to the point of EXACTLY what I feel today. It does not mean I will not be back to a happy heart in 5 minutes…it does not mean I will not remain in a funk the rest of the day…FUCK, I really have no clue, nor do I feel I should justify not having a clue.

XO LC


PS -- FUCK Cancer!