My math is SO bad…it would have been 6 years…not 7.I will never forget the day he called me and
asked me to meet him on the Court House steps and make it official --- July 3rd…
I want to continue to thank ALL that have been a part of my
life past, present and all that will be a part of my future.I am a blessed to have been loved by such an
amazing man!
As I write this, I am so
thank(FULL) for all the support and love from Ya’ll for acceptance and
happiness for my NEW journey with “The Mister” --- It is God’s will for the
doors he closes in our lives he TRULY does open up a window and I have been granted
a WIDE open window, an opportunity to love again and be loved – I deserve it…we
ALL deserve it.
Today I honor the vows I
took with Mike…truly lived till death did us part, and today I continue to truck on and
celebrate all the newness that comes my way and all the new memories I continue
to make…memories that leave me with a smile at the end of the day…
There are songs that jog your memory, there are pictures that send
memories rushing in - then there is food…
I am so simple when it comes to food…I am a fan of burnt hot
dogs, mac-n-cheese and if in a rare mood I am not opposed to busting out the
Raman Noodles!I am not much on chain restaurants
--- I will take a local family owned-Taqueria over it all.Mike was the same way and being on the road
all day he was no stranger to the taco trucks, fast food and the coinsurer of
great dives!Running errands at lunch
today on a side of town I had not been in a little while, going down Alabama, I
happen to glance up and notice Joe’s Deli…a hole in the wall tucked in between
a Washateria and a Domino’s pizza…they have the ultimate TUNA sandwiches and
best Egg Salad Sandwiches, which all combos…sandwich, chips and soda you can
grab on any day for less than 4 dollars!!!!
Anyhow, memories came rushing back, for when on days when
Mike was working near my building, he would scoop me up and we would park our
fannies on the little stools looking out the window and just non-stop chatter
about our day and days to come.I have
not been back there since Mike passed and walking in there today, a rush came
flowing over me…a hello and smile from the owner asking how Mike and I were…he
had not seen us in a great while…It took me off guard, it has been two years
and did not realize the time passed since I had been there, Mike too…I smiled
and at a moment that would usually turn me into a complete Alice Cooper
picture, I hated to share the news of Mike, but thanked him for remembering his
customers and their faces --- He sighed and hated to hear the news, gave me hug
and said Mike was someone that completely touched his life.He would come in between jobs and never just
ordered and ran…he asked about family, personal happenings when they were
mentioned and always followed up.He
said Mike was always smiling, never a frown and because of the smallness of the
shop, he would sometimes hear our conversations as Mike would call me while at
lunch --- always laughing and he remembers fondly us always talking fishing and
our dogs.
I admit, I had to hold back tears – I had to hold back completely
breaking down as he placed my sandwich, soda and chips in a little plastic wrap
bag.I walked out, pulled on to Alabama
and just smiled.I thought I would cry, I
thought I would break down…instead I thanked the good Man Above for this
moment.For the time I got to have lunch
and talk about nothing in particular with Mike.I smiled that even though he is no longer here physically, he in deed
touched so many lives and obviously has left a mark on people that only had him
as a customer in their deli on an every other week basis…yet he is remembered
even after 2 years of not visiting.
On this note I want to thank Mike, my Hott Pockett for being
him and nothing else for anyone.Loving
life to the fullest and never missing a chance to get to know someone when time
was allowed.Loving me so hard and
providing me with a fantastic friendship, union ship and while here just being
the sunshine on my face when I woke up (even on a cloudy day) and being the
moonlight and stars in my eyes (even when the city lights masked the starlight)…
I hope from this we can all know that even when we do not
realize our actions can speak volumes…be kind…smile as much as you can…talk
with your eyes, it truly does translate your soul…and make time for the small
things, for those to others are THE BIG THINGS --- XOXOXOX
Wow!Hello Ya’ll – I have become a little sporadic
in my blogging…something I clinged to during Mike and I’s journey…not only to
keep you all in the loop the easiest way I knew, but for my own sanity as well –
I could wrap myself up in words and turn a simple day of anything into
providing every detail to ensure you all knew our every step and felt as if you
were there…during the journey and even as “our” journey ended and “my” journey
started as…Lyndie…not JUST a widow.
2014has already proved to be an inspiring and
happy year -- Work remains amazing, family and friends continue to just prove
themselves and remind me how blessedI
am to have each and every one in my life…whether I see and talk daily, weekly,
monthly or the occasional (Thumbs Up ;) on Facebook – haha! and I have been
blessed with another chance of happiness.
After Mike’s passing, so many different emotions of how I was supposed
to grieve, how long, “to date or not to date?” ---- as I have stated before,
after losing Mike, I surely did not receive a handbook on wrongs or rights in
this new norm.I did not have direction
from anyone that was walking in my shoes with advice as to the “protocol” of
what my next move was to be --- was I to pass GO and collect a new life?Mike was loved by so many – we both were
loved by many – I continue to be loved by many and his memory lives on and
cherished by the same many…
I
took a chance on dating, floundering like a fish out of water for the past year
and half, knowing that it was no longer “Mike and Lyndie”, yet I was out on my
own – I could choose to LIVE or Die --- after losing him, for one hour I
debated not wanting to be here without him…how could I go on?He rescued me when I was drowning, he will
forever be my “Wave on Wave”, yet for me to give up, I would be the ultimate
loser – Mike fought his ass off during his journey with that shit-face “leech”
called Cancer – and in the end – Mike said Adios Asshole --- I have better
things waiting for me --- he now is where we all yearn to be when it is our
time…
Leaving
2013 and only praying that 2014 would offer light, hope and the chance of
change…I was blessed…I met Bradley.I
never asked GOD to provide me with someone with an understanding of where I
have been or where I am going…yet just to when the time arises, place someone
in my life that doesn’t have to understand me, where I have been, where I am
going, yet just love me and like me a little bit sometimes ;) ---- GOD provided.He too is widowed…a commonality that I surely
hate that we share, yet I can only hope that the Good Man Above knew not only
handling this “Firecracker” of a gal, he too can handle my zero to sixty
emotional breakdowns without a head turn or blink of an eye, just as I can his…
It
is a day to day process…we are happy…no “Agenda”…only thing on our schedule is
Happiness, laughs, a lot of Hugs and complete understanding even we do not
understand but just know we “get it”
As
always, I thank Ya’ll ---- since day one May 20, 1979 ---- GOD has been pretty
Rad-ASS in putting people in my life at all the right times and keeping me a
pretty great flow on a daily basis --- XOXOXOXOOX
So I had to share about the RED Heels…the red heels that take a toll on
my toes, but I love them and can’t keep my feet out of them!I learned a lesson on judgment today – and it
left me in smiles…
I was SO avoiding going on my lunch break to get groceries
(I’d rather do in my flops after work, yet I hate hitting the stores after dark
– so just went with it…in my red heels) --- I got stopped before I even could click
the lock button on my door by a man in a hospital protective mask looking to be
escorted by possibly a wife or a friend --- he said as soon as I hopped out
these red heels struck his eye, wondering who on earth can sport those and be
brave enough to be SO bold…which then he relayed drove his eyes to my FCANCR
License Plate.I often see people while
driving taking pics of it, etc – but don’t get stopped to often to ask what it
represents and though I do not mind talking about Mike and sharing his journey,
it caught me off guard in the Wal-Mart parking lot.I proceeded to tell him the story behind it
and he started to cry – I hated that he cried, for that was not my intention –
meeting anyone battling cancer, because Mike is now with the man above – I in
no way want anyone to think they don’t have a chance – He hugged me and said
Mike’s journey did give him hope and he lives every day to the fullest, and if
it had not been for the red heels that struck their attention…he may have never
seen the license plate and never would have known that others understand what
he is going through….hugs ensue and enter Alice Cooper private moment at I take
myself to the Wal-Mart RR to “freshen up”…
Scrolling through the isles, FINALLY to the breaking point
of knowing Girl Scout Cookies and Juice Boxes are not the best items to live
off of, I travel the isles stocking up ---- insert adorable herd of elderly
ladies – a couple in the go-karts and 2 with baskets…as I am scoping out which flavor
of Raman Noodles to grab, I hear “How the heck do you manage in the heels, they
are gorgeous yet so high, how on earth do you manage not to fall?They seem quite high for everyday wear”I chuckled a bit and said, “Oh I have fallen
plenty of time in these heels, even tripped in an elevator and landed in a
patrons “lap area” – but just as in life, you fall and you get back up…hope to
only laugh at yourself and know it happens to everyone” ---- those ladies
chuckled and we chatted for a bit and made our separate ways…
Finally getting all my items, went to the register, checked
out and made my way back to my truck ---- immediately stopped by a lady and
asked for a picture of my shoes – she said she was not brave enough to wear
them ever but had never seen anything so bright and tall – haha – she made a
comment on my license plate as well and shared with me her husband’s battle
with Cancer and that though he has passed, she still lives life and appreciates
all aspects and was so happy she crossed my path.
I suppose, though I wasn’t felt “judged” my shoes did cause
some attention today, yet nothing negative and opened up some great meetings of
strangers --- I am forever thankful today for my 39.99 Shoe Dazzle.com account
and my red heels Jand meeting these people that if I had not
hit the local Wal-Mart – I would have never touched their lives as they did
mine…
In 10 days,I will wake up, put
one foot in front of the other and like any other day, I will progress…yet on
this day, I will remember saying my very last good byes to my Mike, My Best
friend…My Hott Pocket.
Many of you have been along with Mike since day one…some
even involved in the “conceivement” of our meeting – some came across our path
in the middle, but by now you ALL have been with us to our end…and for that I
am forever grateful.Just as any
milestone in our lives, as we approach them, sometimes like a ton of bricks,
you are hit by them and knocked on your ass – the difference of the outcome, is
usually the manor in how you get back up…I was winded over the weekend in
approaching this date, for the first time in a LONG time…but I am UP!
Looking back on it all, I have not once felt sorry for me…I experienced
a pretty Rad-Ass time with him here…we all did, the ones that knew him and even
vicariously the ones that lived through the stories and todays memories – like the
George Strait song “He surely left us ALL with a smile.”2 years at times can feel like a million and
other moments, it feels as if I am just stepping out the doors of MDA, holding
nothing by his wedding band a bag of clothes waiting on the valet to pull the
truck around.The past 2 years I have
been oh so blessed to have Ya’ll, my Young Widows Group, such amazing (spirit
lifting) friendships, the MOST amazing Family, GREAT Job (including Fabulous
CO-workers) who don’t get me, but they do and just smile and love me for me…and
the blessing from the Good Man above to allow my heart to feel again and not be
scared, even when it is literally the scariest of all to cannonball into
something new, completely trusting what you feel doesnot have to accommodate any “standards”, “rules”
and need “approval” from anyone but your heart…in the words of Robert Earl Keen…”It
feels so good feeling good again”…
As the 12th approaches, I am surely in a MUCH
different mindset this year – and I want to use this to simply thank Ya’ll…ALL
for accepting me…loving me and being OK with doing nothing particular to “fix”
me…I surely do not need fixing ;)
I’ve posted this before, many times, and just sometimes
cannot get enough of it…Mike never ceased to smile – he brought joy into my
life and all that knew him and remains in a happy place in my heart and soul –
XOOXOX Hott Pocket!!
There are those days where something just speaks to your
heart…today I came across this that was posted by a friend and wanted to share…
Though the sentiments below reflect the journey of a widow…we
all have those uncomfortable shoes that we wear throughout our lives, that we “adjust”
to and “get used” to and make bearable – we conform…for at times we have no
choice but to make them fit, for we cannot afford not to…
“I
am wearing a pair of shoes....They are ugly shoes, Uncomfortable
shoes…I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them,
and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I
do not think I can take another step…Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks
wearing these shoes.They are looks of
sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that
they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs….They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my
shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take
them off.I now realize that I am not
the only one who wears these shoes.There
are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache
daily as they try and walk in them.Some
have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days
will go by before they think about how much they hurt…No woman deserves to wear
these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a
stronger woman.These shoes have given
me the strength to face anything.They
have made me who I am…I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost
her husband…my best friend – Author Unknown”
Wow…2014, starting off good…suprisngly good!I spent my 2012 in a funky fog, in denial of
what had just happened…2013 was better, but spent many days hating 2012…I in
2014 opting to hold NO grudges to the previous years, they not only provided
such wonderful life lessons, amazing people re-entering my life, some exits,
new job and strength instilled to face this new normal and the ability to keep
Mike’s memory alive in various ways and continue to uncover how many lives he
touched before Cancer, during Cancer and after…he has left a mark.
When Mike passed, my world completely stopped, but I knew I
must continue to live, for Mike would have it no other way.Mike meant different things to all of us…but
the one thing, no matter the relationship, he was a friend to us all.I cannot even believe this time almost 2
years ago, so much hope for his recovery, yet, 2 days from today and a month he would greet
all our loved ones at the pearly gates, look back with no regret, for he had an
amazing and Rad-ASS life, but only look back with that huge grin, a simple nod
of the head and a Billy Idol (White Wedding) fist pump and embrace on his new
journey as the most wonderful, strongest and huge-hearted guardian angel we can
only pray to have on our side.With that
said…Mike, you remain in my heart along with many others for eternity…
With that said, I have come to realize it is true…”Sometimes
Forever is in a second – White Rabbit”.I
have a whole new year in front of me.I
was scared once…scared for what a “new normal” consisted of…it’s not too too
different from my normal before, or the normal before that…we are forever
evolving…even when Mike was here we encountered new normals…I like to blame the new
normal on being thrown into widowism but the truth is everyday is a new norm…we
never know what it will consist of, even if you have a routine – as they say on
Big Brother…”expect the unexpected”.I
never expected to be “starting over” at the age of 33 and now 2 years have
passed and I will be 35, still and always a “widow” but that is not my “hashtag”…”oh
look there goes Lyndie #widow, #sad, #depressed, #poorgirl)…haha and in all
honesty I do not even know what # means, I always just thought of it as the
pound sign I push after a prompt when attemping to get a hold of customer
service…Unfortunatly it will be forever on my “Life Resume”, but not a label…I
am simply Lyndie, #plain and simple J
2013 ended well…I was so fortunate to re-connect with friends
from childhood…all so diverse, yet something about being this age, losing a
husband…it truly is the small things that count – the things you once stressed
over and worried about seem so insignificant – you learn to cherish the nights
on the patio with green ham and bad cheese BUT good wine, laughing it up with
great friends that the main common denominator is happiness in life.It’s the nights you are out with “the locals”
and for a minute as the music is playing, bad jokes are being told, you stop to
look around and as for a moment all is paused and you realize life is good –
you are surrounded by people who love you and the world is right.It’s the nights home alone and embracing the
snuggles from the wet-nosed kiddos and slipping into you jammie pants for a
marathon of your favorite series or diving into your favorite book, knowing you
have nothing outside of your home door to worry about…and be OK with peace at
mind.It’s the late night bon-fires,
telling stories of the past and dreaming of the future and just thanking GOD
for the opportunity to continue one.It’s
the simple text from a friend, right in an unexptected moment, but yet it was
the JUST RIGHT moement.It’s realizing
Unicorns DO exist, because one just tooted unexpectidly in front of a room full
of people because you laughed so hard, yet the laughter masked the smell and
the fact that…hey…Unicorns DON’T exist (Blame it on the dog).The many cab rides with friends, only praying
for it to turn to ‘Cash Cab’ NOT ‘Taxi Cab Confessions’.I could go on and on with all that has
happened, but I know some of these memories, many of you were involved…you are
able to pick up from there J
2013 also held to be a VERY spiritual and heart-lifting
year.What can I say, Austin is a
magical city! I was fortunate to attend Mumford and Sons in the ATX with some
amazing people and oh wow, was Austin a different experience than when I was in
my 20’s – it was so much more rich and vibrant offering so much love and
eclectic energy…I didn’t want to leave.I attended the ACL festival as well months later with the same group and
that was a complete moving experience as well – met so many different people,
allllllmost made it to The Capitol, and the road trip convos remain
priceless!It was a a complete year of
just opening myself more than 2012 and living good, loving hard and just accepting
being OK.
I have no idea what 2014 has in store for me…I had no idea
what 1997had in store for me when I
walked across the stage and grabbed a diploma.I had no idea what 2005 had in store for me when I dropped everything
and moved to FL just to do it.I had no
idea what 2007 had in store for me when a good looking, 6’2 Hott Pocket crossed
my threshhold with a huge grin.I had no
idea what 2008 had in store when I married that Hott Pocket and we began our
journey.Still clueless in 2010 when we got
the news this Good looking Southern Boy had Cancer.Had no clue how to start again in 2012 when I
had to say goodbye to that man.Entering
2014, I still have know idea…do any of us?The ONLY plan I have is to not plan, yet live, enjoy and know first hand
that your life can TRULY change in a second and your fOeVER becomes over.
In closing…we are human, we are petty, we worry, we stress…when
you find yourself in those moments…try to capture a good memory, something that
puts you in a “happy place”, somewhere were when you close your eyes, open and
exhale, the issue at hand is not a mountain you cannot climb, but a mountain
you can move.
