Thursday, November 1, 2012

The ‘F’ Word – Fear

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot - Eleanor Roosevelt”

FUCK, is how I really want to start off this entry and FUCK is the ONLY ‘F’ word that comes to mind at this moment…FUCK!

I generally have a very optimistic attitude…possibly sickening to some considering the path that I have been put on, the new “norm” I have to tackle and adapt to. Grasping my diploma at 18 and walking amongst my peers with large hopes of what laid ahead. Fast forward to the night I meet the man…the man who would forever change my life. Fast and furious we fell for one another and started our whirl wind romance…a year later he made me his wife. Plans of children, purchasing a home, traveling just spending our lives together…not perfectly, but in love.

Fast forward 5 years and on this day one of November, the only word that is my head at this moment is FUCK. Where the FUCK has this year gone? I'm approaching 9 months I have started this journey as a widow. Most days I handle it with grace, with optimism and hope. I don’t get mad often or shake my fist at GOD and ask “Why me?”, for I know GOD has a plan…it was HIS plan to have Mike go through this journey and to be an inspiration to all he met. It was HIS plan for me to be Mike’s wife and caregiver during this time, to provide the inspiration and love that he knew I could. HIS plan was to have Mike and I learn from each other, grow together and live our vows at as husband and wife…till death do us part, and death was our parting.

I woke up today FURIOUS! I got out of bed, got dressed and headed to work. I turned on some god awful death metal and rolled down the windows and rocked out, pissed off at the world. Pissed that this weekend Mike and I would be headed to the camp. We would start making plans for Thanksgiving festivities. We would hop online and search out the perfect gifts for our families and friends and decide where we are spending the upcoming holidays. Well newsflash Lyndie, you will not be doing that this year or any years to come with Mike…FUCK…he really is gone! It FUCKING sucks. I am 33, Mike was 36…we had our ENTIRE lives ahead of us and now I am a fucking widow! Though I am adjusting, I put on a smile daily and continue to embrace my life and love all who are with me now…I still have much FEAR for what lies ahead.

This entry is short and simple and to the point of EXACTLY what I feel today. It does not mean I will not be back to a happy heart in 5 minutes…it does not mean I will not remain in a funk the rest of the day…FUCK, I really have no clue, nor do I feel I should justify not having a clue.


PS -- FUCK Cancer!